Things just got messed up... The truth...?

Got a message from social app... Unknown guy started talking to me.. Shall name this person as KS...~ We chatted quite nice and KS suddenly let me know that KS got a lover etc. Suddenly inform me that KS knew another pharmacist from USM and they have encounter before... and gave me the surname...

Well, there are a few but I don't know if all are from USM or not...~ Besides I am not interested in other people's business so I just inform KS that I am not bothered. We chatted a bit and all...~ But this person was kind of weird... Anyway... lets see if we can be friend...~

A few days of chatting...~ until Wednesday...~ After yoga... I wanted to go for dinner... KS asked what I was doing and I informed KS that I am going for dinner... and KS said 'bo jio'. Fine... if like that I asked KS out for dinner... and KS accepted... Okay...~ At least I have a company to have dinner with...~

Met up at N-Park... had dinner there and met up with this KS...~

We chatted to know a bit more about each other and KS started hinting a few stuff about KS's lover... saying that I was out with his lover for Starbucks...~ I started to crack my head... Starbucks with KS's lover...~ Recently I went out with a lot of people to Starbucks... gosh...~ who...~

And guessed what... in the end... it was EL... Shocked..? Well.. kind of...~

And KS asked if I like EL cause KS felt I like EL because KS checks EL phone and saw my message with EL...~ Well... let's be honest... I like EL at one point but after 2 days of knowing him better...~ I knew EL isn't the type of person I want and not my ideal lover...~ But KS still insist saying I still have feel for EL... What I can tell KS now is... I am more like flirting and disturbing EL...~ In a way to get back at EL... at one point of time, EL became a sweet talker and the thing was... EL didn't inform me that EL was attached... for a year and half... This is super messed up man... What EL is doing... and with all this lies...

This also proof that I was right and I made the right choice of letting go of my feel towards EL... <happy> but I felt pitiful for KS....

Next question KS asked bluntly... Did I have encounters with EL... Well, of course not... EL and I are of the same position, it would be impossible for us to have anything...~ More to senior and junior..~

Surprisingly, this, KS believe... but KS doesn't believe I have no feelings for EL anymore... To me in my heart... If KS told me EL was KS's lover... if I still like EL... I would have felt heart broken and sad... but I didn't and I was happy... and angry at the same time...~

Happy...? cause I let it go...

Angry...? cause EL lied and hurt KS...~ EL did told me... there is nothing to hide... EL will be open to me...~ all lies... and I hate liars...~ By current situation if I see EL, I will just give EL a tight slap and leave...~ But to protect KS... I am just holding back...~ (EL, you are lucky to have such good KS and I hope you realize it)

KS did say EL wanted to introduce me properly to KS... and they had fight before regarding EL wanting to meet up with me...~ Wow...~ I became part of their reason for a fight... Sigh...~

Now... EL doesn't know I know KS... and KS don't want EL know I knew KS...~ so practically... I am stuck in between both... have to pretend to be like normal in front of EL as thought I don't know all this...~ on the other hand...~ with KS... will chat about EL...~ yeah... practically stuck in between...

EL... EL... EL... still has not change and still the same old person with a sweet mouth... Seriously...~ I don't know what KS see in EL... good...? EL is not bad and good...? Gosh...~ I can only say... at least half of my ex that I has are way better than EL.... but I can break with my ex due to their mistake... How can I really like EL...~

But currently.. I am sandwiched in between both of them...~

Today itself... KS informed me that most probably EL know about KS knowing me...~ So...~ I still have to keep pretending I don't that KS and EL are together...

Two facts..~
1. I feel bad towards KS... (some things are best not revealed)
2. I don't like EL for over a period of time already.

I think what I type above is also messed up...~

All in all... I only know now I still miss BN...~ That's all...~

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable, is about what...

練習愛情 (王大文 ft. 陳芳語)

Practive Love (Let's Work It Out) (Dawen feat Kimberley Chen)

I really don't understand
Yesterday, you were still very tender
I probably made a mistake
That's why your eyes are red

The things girls care about
They're completely different from what guys care about
Although I really don't understand
Believe in my sincerity
Hold on to my hand, don't retreat

Let's work it out together (practice love)
I'm gradually learning how to no make you frown
Day by day, I'm gradually  assimilating in to your world
I just want to work it out with you (practice love)
Loving incorrectly, acting incorrectly, one more time
Until I cram happiness in to your every day life

I want to be with you until forever
But I don't feel safe
I can't feel your feelings
Without a doubt, it's you who causes my insomnia

Maybe I oughta reconcile
Mistakes come from not understanding
Actually, your heart can change
Wipe away my tears
Give love one more chance

Let's work it out together (practice love)
I want to learn to be an expert, acknowledging I'm wrong
I take a step back, you take a step back, it's harmonious
I just want to work it out with you (practice love)
Take a wrong step, the beat is wrong, one more time
It doesn't matter, we have a whole lifetime

They say the devil is in the details
Let us do whatever, be a little careful
Slowly get familiar, protect everything in the grip of your hands

If we can work it out together (practice love)
I'm gradually learning how to no make you frown
Day by day, I'm gradually  assimilating in to your world
I just want to work it out with you (practice love)
Loving incorrectly, acting incorrectly, one more time
Until I cram happiness in to your every day life

Take a wrong step, the beat is wrong, one more time
It doesn't matter, we have a whole lifetime

回心轉意 (王大文) - From someone

A Change of Heart (Dawen)

I just want to say I'm sorry
As I watch you turn away and disappear
I've rejected my friends' concerns
How I wish you'd turn around and come back

Making you cry was all my fault
Oh, how time does not listen to me

Can you have a change of heart
Understand my true and sincere heart
Don't leave me, we still have dreams
Love isn't so easy

Can you have a change of heart
Let me tenderly be by your side
I won't make you sad, I'll be more mature
I won't be dodgy again.

Let's start over
Start again
You love me
Please believe me

I just want to say I'm sorry
Please don't be discouraged by love
I really want to hold you tight right now
I'm not the bad guy you think I am

Making you cry was all my fault
Oh, how time does not listen to me
Does not listen to me

I feel so lucky to be in love with you
I'm already used to you being by my side everyday
You are my everything in my life
Please come back
Come back
Come back

Depressed...?

I feel lost...~

Total lost...~

Don't know what am I doing now in my life...~

What is my direction and what I am to do...~

Have no interest in anything...~

The fire that I once had in me, died...~

Is this depression...~ I wonder...~

Now That She's Gone (林俊傑) - For BN

For BN and me...~

Heart Attack (Cover - Sam Tsui & Chrissy Costanza) - For EL

This is for EL and me...~

Felt like a fool... When I am going to wake up...???

Recently knew a new guy... Going to just name him EL...~ About a week ago was our first meeting and is as though I thought we both have some chemistry... As the week past, we spend some time with each other and my feelings for him grew suddenly... Well... I thought I found BN replacement suddenly... We were from same work environment... Have some goal and things to accomplish in life... Things just seemed to fall in for both of us...~  Well... maybe for me...~

To be realistic... In about a few months I will depart back to KL... distance will be a problem for he and I... so this would pose a problem.. EL did say let's see how and move things slowly... I agree... but I think I move on too fast...~ Maybe he was sort of ideal...~ I start to dump my load in this boat and try to sail it...~

I think I was wrong...~ maybe EL isn't the guy I think could be with me...~ Well, of course EL claimed to stopped using social apps but of course EL still has his current p friends. So he got every right to go out with them... Yesterday morning, EL planned to have breakfast with me but EL got up late and I have class, so EL has to have his own breakfast and he went out with another p... So last minute but so fast EL can get another p friend as back up...~ Haha...~

Today... EL worked again... Was thinking of finding EL for lunch but then...~ Didn't got a reply...~ In the evening, got in touched with him... And then suddenly got a message from him that EL is going out dinner with friend... I don't mean to pry... but then I ask also...~ and I asked... Hoping I am not right... But I was...~ EL said it was a p...~ Having dinner near USM area...~

Sigh...~ EL has the time but rather have dinner with another p... Most probably maximizing his time that he could spend with ppl... Keeping a balance... This is what I am trying to think to reason up...~ But well...~ to make myself feel better...~ But then, that guy was the same guy as yesterday...~ Well... maybe need to meet more than once... a bit too much...~ Most likely got something else I think...~ Most likely EL actually have a few guys in mind and now is just trying to make up his mind...~ If is so... should I put effort...??

But who am I joking...~ Wake up fansu...~ Wake up...~ Yeah... I felt hurt a bit... and I think I will back off now... Haha...~ Feel like laughing and crying at the same time...~ I think I am still childish...~ Still haven't learn...~ Walk away fansu... walk away before you hurt yourself again...~

On the other hand...~ It seems like I can move on from BN..~ And now I wonder...~ Eh...?~ Is this the sign I can move on...? But then... this now I know BN is somewhere in Penang and I am still scare to face him...~ I wonder why...~ Maybe I still can't move on in the end...~ When EL is with me...~ I do still of BN... >.<...~ I think I still can't escape...~

But anyhow...~ I think its time for me to stop this between EL and I...~ I came across a guy's saying and I find it so true...~ and I shall quote by Tristan Tan

"P life is like the entertainment industry. Appearance is everything. Realistic in every single way. Everyone is working so hard in the gym and getting suntanned apart from having great hairstyles, branded colourful clothes and shoes. Expensive skin care products are a must to look great, to the max.

We know each other and some are even in the FB friend list but we never really talk or greet. Some gossip and spread rumours while some can't wait to see you fall.

Deep down, everyone is waiting for his Prince Charming but we have been hurt before. We hope to move on but we are afraid to fall in love in this hopeless place. Ended up everyone seeks for fun. Frequently the guy you sleep with sleep with your friends before. Or you might hear of new practice of open relationship that chill with 3p, 4p, 5p or even more. Complicated love affair that involved many people is nothing special but too common.

I'm tired repeating over the same routine. Fed up with all the endless attitudes that kill. Don't you feel the same?"

Yeah...~ I feel the same..~ so what am I to do...~ Let it go I guess...~