The world is not a wishing granting factory

It was a happy day that I got back my test result... All were negative except for my HSV-1... But then again...~ It isn't really an STD...~ I took medication and hope to get better...~

And as time goes on, I insisted SY to do blood test to...~ We both were excited and also worried about what SY finding would be... but we both keep in mind that nothing will go bad and thing will be fine...~

As the days passed...~ SY asked suddenly why is the results taking so long compared to mine... I doubted too if there is anything serious but then reassure SY that nothing bad is to happy... Just maybe too many test to be run and his is delayed...~

So happened the day after SY asked...~ The Lab did call.. and asked SY to collect his report...~ Of course... I came along...~

When we arrived at the test center...~ We waited a while... Until when the staff took SY report and asked SY to go inside the room... I tagged along at first...~ But then was stopped by the staff and was informed to wait outside...~

I got a shock...~ I saw SY looked at me... I put up a smile to SY...~ But deep inside me...~ My heart froze... My heart beat really fast and I feel worried... For the first time in my life...~ My heart sank... I have a bad feeling and also feel something tells me my worst fear as come true...

I was sitting outside...every minute passed... I keep looking on my watch and watched as the minutes passed.. I was clenching my fist... holding my hand... restless... but telling myself... nothing...it's okay... it's okay... just some minor things... It's not that... it's not that...~

And then I heard the door opened... and saw SY came out... his face pale...~ as if he was in shock... My heart beats even faster... I was reluctant to go in... Suddenly... I don't want to know...~ But with a heavy heart... with each step that I took...~ I need to be strong... and stay strong... put up a smile... and be a support to SY...~

I went in and sat down... And the staff informed that the results came back detected... I was dumbfounded... I don't know what to reply and just put on a smile... Deep inside me... my heart breaks into million pieces... and I felt hurt and betray...~ I looked at SY... I saw his look... So I knew I can't be weak... I have to be strong to support him and to be his pillar...~ So I continued to smile and tell him don't worry...~

The staff inform us that there is another test that needs to be done to actually confirmed the results... I agreed too... But deep inside me... I knew the test is actually almost accurate...~ and the test was repeated twice from different lab... But I just agreed to go ahead with it...~ To buy time... so that both of us can accept it...~

We left... heavy heartedly... Each of us are shocked... but I felt SY was feeling even worse than me... SY was worried about it and still in disbelief... I was feeling lost too... but try to put us into a direction... Telling SY that everything is okay... and things aren't so bad...~ We have to stay strong and SY has me by his side...~

In my mind... I thought SY was the one I am looking for... the other half... that I have always been searching... the other half... that needs the same thing as me.... wants the same life with me... SY was the one... and I was sure...~ But I don't know why the heavens always will give us a setback...~ There is always a 'but' in our life... Life is not perfect... the world is really not a wishing granting factory...~

Finally I felt that I have met the love of my life...~ But there is always something new that we has to face...~ The night... we went for dinner with SY family... a gathering to celebrate with his sister and cousin's birthday...~ We had a good time until when they arrived home and watched the wedding video of one of their relative...~

When I was it... I say SY... being a receptionist and also a dancer for the opening...~ When I saw it... I knew I was in love with him... The way he dances... his happiness... the way he smiled.... the way I can see his eyes... is full of happiness... but after today... I knew that isn't in SY anymore... that guy that I saw in the video... now... is a different person...~ I was cursing my own... why I have to get himto do the test...~ why he get it... who gave it to him...~ Who is that person that gave him that... and now I am the one that has to bear with it with him...~ But of me is also angry at SY... why he don't protect himself properly...~ Now... there is no U-turn back..~

I mean... I did things worse than SY in my life.. but why not me..~ Why this person...~ He looks innocent and naïve... but to have this... it will be hard for SY...~ I have seen before... people in the outside world... it is not easy...~ They can have a normal life... but also a suffering life too...~But any how... I have to be strong for SY...~ To help SY through...~ I don't know how much time he and I will have... but at least... for now... I want to make use of all the time we have...~ Try to prolong SY life...~

Of course... I am scared... one day... I will be alone... will be single...~ and at that time... who will be my companion...~ What will my life be... I still don't know... but for now..~ Even though I can't see where my road will lead... or where the stairway will lead... I shall take the first time... and see how...~ This is my only road... the only one I have in my mind...~ I do hope we can live together... and leave together...~ I just hope... I can only just hope and wish...~

Am I prepare to be alone later in life... I don't really now for know...~ For now.. I just want to be with SY...~

Honestly... If we weren't together... or planning to be together... if I knew this... Most probably we won't be together...~

BUT...~

How I regret...~ I only know one time... from day 1 when I was with SY... I love him and I never thought of leaving him... And after I knew about this...~ This new entity that is living with SY... I never thought of leaving SY too... It is not SY and I anymore... it is SY and I... and a 3rd party...~ Somehow...~ It is as if I have fallen for him... and feels that love can conquer anything...~ I hope this feeling last as for now as  I don't want to lose SY from my live...~

A new beginning...

It's been about 6 weeks since I left Penang and back in KL...

After so long, this is the first time I ever have the chance to blog... and I guess this might be a long one...~

Once back... I knew I was going back to my previous hospital for work. Sigh...~ back to my old life but a life as a single guy... Once with BN... and now... I am on my own again...~ As usual, definitely will play those p apps...~ And among many guys that I knew... I would highlight this guy, SY.

We knew each other from the apps.. Chat from time to time but on a friendly basis but who knows things would turn tide as time goes.

One night, after completing my personal matters, I was suppose to have dinner with my 2nd ex but then got put off because he has to attend a late meeting... Hanging around alone.. I don't know what to do and I am hungry... needing to eat and find a company, I scroll through the apps to find someone who is available and SY and a few other guys came about... I messaged all of them and SY replied.

So we chatted, as much I wanted to have dinner only, SY kept on asking many questions that bugged me and pissed me off... Gosh... I just want to have dinner only...~ Either yes or not...~ Not asking why I am around there what I am doing around there etc...~ I almost wanted to give up and just have dinner by my own...~ Until suddenly SY said okay... We are to meet at the bank.

So... I reached and waited... and waited... and didn't see SY turn up... Was wondering will he show up or just put me off too...~ Suddenly I felt like I was being cheated and I was about to leave and messaged him... SY replied he was coming... and so I gave another chance to be patience and waited... I was telling my self in another 5 minutes if SY don't appear I will just leave.. But he appeared...~

We had dinner and just have a normal chat and he announce that he got lover... ^^ That's great for him... For me...~ Suddenly I felt lonely and single... and envy because someone has lover and not me after so long but then...~ As till date... there still isn't a guy who I feel can be on same level or better than BN...~ Maybe BN is right...~ There won't be anyone else who can know what I want or do what I want...~

After dinner we depart and after that we exchange phone number to chat on WeChat rather than just the P apps...~

From there, we chatted more and went out a few more times... As time goes on I realize I start to have feel for him... and I could feel he has feel for me...~ But keeping in mind he has a lover so I keep reminding myself that we are friends... but as I did that, I do meet other p people and if SY know then he will get jealous but the weird thing is he didn't admit he like me also...~ So I couldn't be bothered and just go on with my daily life...~ As times goes on things got complicated between us...~

20th Sept... 2014... Its Bon Odori day....~ SL, A & B is coming down from Penang, as planned from end of September... SL has been all the while liking me and wanting to make me his other half but I don't feel he and I are meant to be as he isn't my type...~ So I did told him before that I don't know if we can be together but I just don't want to think about relationship at that point of time...~ So I told him that I want to concentrate on my life and in a years time only decide when I go back to Penang...~ At that point of time SL planned to come down KL to be with me but I forbid because I have a feeling I will go back Penang in a year time because I can't stand the life in KL...~ So SL planned to wait for me until I go back but make frequent trip to  KL to meet me...~

But on then 19th Sept, SY and I got into a serious talk and suddenly we confessed to each other that we have feel towards each other but then nothing can be done...~ But on that day itself... We informed each other that we became lover... Then problem arise.. How am I going to tell SL... I know I am in trouble...~ But then... I know that sooner or later... I have to announce about SY and me...~

Well, in the end, I did announce out and things went terribly wrong... I spoilt the whole Bon Odori excursion for A & B... and I did big damages towards SL... till the end until now... I don't know what to do... I felt so guilty towards them...~

Until this day...~ until this day...~