The world is not a wishing granting factory

It was a happy day that I got back my test result... All were negative except for my HSV-1... But then again...~ It isn't really an STD...~ I took medication and hope to get better...~

And as time goes on, I insisted SY to do blood test to...~ We both were excited and also worried about what SY finding would be... but we both keep in mind that nothing will go bad and thing will be fine...~

As the days passed...~ SY asked suddenly why is the results taking so long compared to mine... I doubted too if there is anything serious but then reassure SY that nothing bad is to happy... Just maybe too many test to be run and his is delayed...~

So happened the day after SY asked...~ The Lab did call.. and asked SY to collect his report...~ Of course... I came along...~

When we arrived at the test center...~ We waited a while... Until when the staff took SY report and asked SY to go inside the room... I tagged along at first...~ But then was stopped by the staff and was informed to wait outside...~

I got a shock...~ I saw SY looked at me... I put up a smile to SY...~ But deep inside me...~ My heart froze... My heart beat really fast and I feel worried... For the first time in my life...~ My heart sank... I have a bad feeling and also feel something tells me my worst fear as come true...

I was sitting outside...every minute passed... I keep looking on my watch and watched as the minutes passed.. I was clenching my fist... holding my hand... restless... but telling myself... nothing...it's okay... it's okay... just some minor things... It's not that... it's not that...~

And then I heard the door opened... and saw SY came out... his face pale...~ as if he was in shock... My heart beats even faster... I was reluctant to go in... Suddenly... I don't want to know...~ But with a heavy heart... with each step that I took...~ I need to be strong... and stay strong... put up a smile... and be a support to SY...~

I went in and sat down... And the staff informed that the results came back detected... I was dumbfounded... I don't know what to reply and just put on a smile... Deep inside me... my heart breaks into million pieces... and I felt hurt and betray...~ I looked at SY... I saw his look... So I knew I can't be weak... I have to be strong to support him and to be his pillar...~ So I continued to smile and tell him don't worry...~

The staff inform us that there is another test that needs to be done to actually confirmed the results... I agreed too... But deep inside me... I knew the test is actually almost accurate...~ and the test was repeated twice from different lab... But I just agreed to go ahead with it...~ To buy time... so that both of us can accept it...~

We left... heavy heartedly... Each of us are shocked... but I felt SY was feeling even worse than me... SY was worried about it and still in disbelief... I was feeling lost too... but try to put us into a direction... Telling SY that everything is okay... and things aren't so bad...~ We have to stay strong and SY has me by his side...~

In my mind... I thought SY was the one I am looking for... the other half... that I have always been searching... the other half... that needs the same thing as me.... wants the same life with me... SY was the one... and I was sure...~ But I don't know why the heavens always will give us a setback...~ There is always a 'but' in our life... Life is not perfect... the world is really not a wishing granting factory...~

Finally I felt that I have met the love of my life...~ But there is always something new that we has to face...~ The night... we went for dinner with SY family... a gathering to celebrate with his sister and cousin's birthday...~ We had a good time until when they arrived home and watched the wedding video of one of their relative...~

When I was it... I say SY... being a receptionist and also a dancer for the opening...~ When I saw it... I knew I was in love with him... The way he dances... his happiness... the way he smiled.... the way I can see his eyes... is full of happiness... but after today... I knew that isn't in SY anymore... that guy that I saw in the video... now... is a different person...~ I was cursing my own... why I have to get himto do the test...~ why he get it... who gave it to him...~ Who is that person that gave him that... and now I am the one that has to bear with it with him...~ But of me is also angry at SY... why he don't protect himself properly...~ Now... there is no U-turn back..~

I mean... I did things worse than SY in my life.. but why not me..~ Why this person...~ He looks innocent and naïve... but to have this... it will be hard for SY...~ I have seen before... people in the outside world... it is not easy...~ They can have a normal life... but also a suffering life too...~But any how... I have to be strong for SY...~ To help SY through...~ I don't know how much time he and I will have... but at least... for now... I want to make use of all the time we have...~ Try to prolong SY life...~

Of course... I am scared... one day... I will be alone... will be single...~ and at that time... who will be my companion...~ What will my life be... I still don't know... but for now..~ Even though I can't see where my road will lead... or where the stairway will lead... I shall take the first time... and see how...~ This is my only road... the only one I have in my mind...~ I do hope we can live together... and leave together...~ I just hope... I can only just hope and wish...~

Am I prepare to be alone later in life... I don't really now for know...~ For now.. I just want to be with SY...~

Honestly... If we weren't together... or planning to be together... if I knew this... Most probably we won't be together...~

BUT...~

How I regret...~ I only know one time... from day 1 when I was with SY... I love him and I never thought of leaving him... And after I knew about this...~ This new entity that is living with SY... I never thought of leaving SY too... It is not SY and I anymore... it is SY and I... and a 3rd party...~ Somehow...~ It is as if I have fallen for him... and feels that love can conquer anything...~ I hope this feeling last as for now as  I don't want to lose SY from my live...~

A new beginning...

It's been about 6 weeks since I left Penang and back in KL...

After so long, this is the first time I ever have the chance to blog... and I guess this might be a long one...~

Once back... I knew I was going back to my previous hospital for work. Sigh...~ back to my old life but a life as a single guy... Once with BN... and now... I am on my own again...~ As usual, definitely will play those p apps...~ And among many guys that I knew... I would highlight this guy, SY.

We knew each other from the apps.. Chat from time to time but on a friendly basis but who knows things would turn tide as time goes.

One night, after completing my personal matters, I was suppose to have dinner with my 2nd ex but then got put off because he has to attend a late meeting... Hanging around alone.. I don't know what to do and I am hungry... needing to eat and find a company, I scroll through the apps to find someone who is available and SY and a few other guys came about... I messaged all of them and SY replied.

So we chatted, as much I wanted to have dinner only, SY kept on asking many questions that bugged me and pissed me off... Gosh... I just want to have dinner only...~ Either yes or not...~ Not asking why I am around there what I am doing around there etc...~ I almost wanted to give up and just have dinner by my own...~ Until suddenly SY said okay... We are to meet at the bank.

So... I reached and waited... and waited... and didn't see SY turn up... Was wondering will he show up or just put me off too...~ Suddenly I felt like I was being cheated and I was about to leave and messaged him... SY replied he was coming... and so I gave another chance to be patience and waited... I was telling my self in another 5 minutes if SY don't appear I will just leave.. But he appeared...~

We had dinner and just have a normal chat and he announce that he got lover... ^^ That's great for him... For me...~ Suddenly I felt lonely and single... and envy because someone has lover and not me after so long but then...~ As till date... there still isn't a guy who I feel can be on same level or better than BN...~ Maybe BN is right...~ There won't be anyone else who can know what I want or do what I want...~

After dinner we depart and after that we exchange phone number to chat on WeChat rather than just the P apps...~

From there, we chatted more and went out a few more times... As time goes on I realize I start to have feel for him... and I could feel he has feel for me...~ But keeping in mind he has a lover so I keep reminding myself that we are friends... but as I did that, I do meet other p people and if SY know then he will get jealous but the weird thing is he didn't admit he like me also...~ So I couldn't be bothered and just go on with my daily life...~ As times goes on things got complicated between us...~

20th Sept... 2014... Its Bon Odori day....~ SL, A & B is coming down from Penang, as planned from end of September... SL has been all the while liking me and wanting to make me his other half but I don't feel he and I are meant to be as he isn't my type...~ So I did told him before that I don't know if we can be together but I just don't want to think about relationship at that point of time...~ So I told him that I want to concentrate on my life and in a years time only decide when I go back to Penang...~ At that point of time SL planned to come down KL to be with me but I forbid because I have a feeling I will go back Penang in a year time because I can't stand the life in KL...~ So SL planned to wait for me until I go back but make frequent trip to  KL to meet me...~

But on then 19th Sept, SY and I got into a serious talk and suddenly we confessed to each other that we have feel towards each other but then nothing can be done...~ But on that day itself... We informed each other that we became lover... Then problem arise.. How am I going to tell SL... I know I am in trouble...~ But then... I know that sooner or later... I have to announce about SY and me...~

Well, in the end, I did announce out and things went terribly wrong... I spoilt the whole Bon Odori excursion for A & B... and I did big damages towards SL... till the end until now... I don't know what to do... I felt so guilty towards them...~

Until this day...~ until this day...~

Wound opened...~

B... B... B...~

Was friend with B... kind of helped this couple A and B in their relationship... Maybe B had a good will and wanted to help back...~ So B tried to contact BN and get some info about me... and about BN...~

Well... not the brightest move I supposed...~

After 6 months... Finally I was almost able to tell myself... BN... since so long we don't contact and do anything... and BN didn't find me... Means we both are moving on nicely and I can let BN go...~

But recently... B came with news on BN... about BN and all... and it got me moved a bit it all was okay...~ I was able to still stand on my solid ground...

Until the day when I called BN suddenly to ask about the necklace stone he had... Cause I sent the necklace for polishing and maintenance...

BN brought up about B... and posted stuff chatted between both of them...~ and that opened the wound up of BN and me...~ Seems like I'm still in BN's heart...~ Damn...!~ Why must I know this...~ The reason I block BN out of my life... is so that I can have my life... and not BN in my mind...~

But due to B... BN and I chatted a while regarding B.... and no...~ B was not our common enemy that we both could be together... But my opened wound reminded me of BN of what happened 6 months ago...~ and suddenly... all the locked memories about BN and I creeps in...~

Those words... Those things that happened...~ What have we both done... What have I done...~

I was on the verge of letting go... Almost ready to start a new... But then... I am taken back now...~ I don't know what am I doing... or what I am suppose to do...~

Am currently re-enforcing myself to let go and that BN and I ain't possible...~ Even though I felt I was... Gosh...~ I am so contradicting...~

But for now... I really don't know what to do...~ I still can't forgive BN... and I am not going to make the move...~ Neither will BN...~

So... just let it go and let it be...~ I will try to move on again... But this time should be faster...~

6 months passed...~ Flash back...~

I guess made the wrong choices in life sometimes...~ I guess I shouldn't have come to Penang... I shouldn't have choose Penang if I know all this will happen...

The fraud case... the break up... I looked up at the stars at times when I am out... When I can see the stars...~ I wonder...~ Would all this have made a difference if I had stay in KL...~ Would any of this all turned out different if I would have rejected coming to Penang and stay put in KL...

Unfortunately... the stars wouldn't tell me... It will be a side where I will never know the answer to all this... it is only always...~ "What if..."

Regrets...~ there are regrets in my life...~ no doubt about it...~ But we can't turn back time...~ We only can move on...~ Make the best out of what we have...~ But I don't want to... I can't...~ With BN... it was like one of my happiest time in my whole 11 years of life when I first knew about myself...~ Sort of... I found myself... Someone who I know I will do almost anything for him...~

Also... I am tired of trying to find someone else...~ Life is just tiring...~

Coming to Penang was one of my happiest moment... and also saddest...~ The day before I left...~ I was with BN for one last night...~ I know part of him and me knows that we don't want to part... Part of me... when I looked into his eyes... I can feel his eyes telling me... 'don't go... stay... I need you'... Me...? I wanted to tell him how much I love him and hope that I can be with him... but I was greedy too... This was one of my life time dream to further study... To do something for a better future for me... for us...~ I really have faith and thought we will make it through...~

Every 2 weeks, I tried to make efforts to go back and find BN... to spend time... stayed with BN... of course... we weren't stable...~ We quarreled a lot... stress... life... and loneliness... Me, myself... faith, trust seems to be an issue...~ I was worrying of losing BN... I got paranoid... got scared...~ we quarreled a lot and I even mentioned break off a few times...~ Maybe that got BN insecurity...~ I wonder...~

I supposed Christmas and New year eve was the breaking point..~ We have major quarrel on the phone...~ I am never good...~ Honestly... is like after so many relationship... I didn't become better... I became worse...~ One part stacked up to another past made me paranoid and scared of my next one...~

Many wonder why BN and I broke off...~ Even know when I closed my eyes...~ I still remember it cleary everytime when I hear BN's voice... I remember the whole quarreling incident...

Jan 2014.. I was back for Chinese New Year... Went back CNY a few days earlier to be with BN before BN leave back to his hometown...~ Stayed at BN room...~ One morning... BN was going to work as usual... Woke up with him showering... and I went over BN's handphone...~ Went through BN's messages... and wechat...~ found a guy who was going to add BN but BN had not add yet...~ The guy who wanted to add BN wrote there "I'm from Jackd"... Yeah... that got me paranoid... what had happened...

The night before... I did spoke to BN... informing BN that if he wants to play Jack'd he could but just tell me honestly... Well... he told me he was never going to play it and I should know him much and also about his view on Jackd that guys there are looking for fun...~

But this morning...~ there was a guy who was going to add him...~ BN showered and came in the room... and I started interrogating him...~ Asked how this guy knew him or vice versa... He told me he don't know and he didn't play jacked...~ He told me... wechat has this function... when you 'shake it' then maybe ppl found him... and he told me... a lot ppl commented his look has the 'p' looks... so most probably that guy was within his range and wanted to add him cause he looks 'p' from his pics...~ For me... I feel it is lies and bullshit.. So I told him... "If that guy wanted to add you... he wouldn't just say he is from Jack'd but why he said so...". BN told me he didn't know and say that guys is just some random guy.

Then I told BN to tell me with his own words... That he isn't playing Jack'd and he isn't lying...~ BN swore to me...~ BN wasn't playing... and BN wasn't lying... he don't know that guy...~ Then BN say it is up to me if I trust him or not...~ I told BN... I trust him...~ And things were okay...~

2 days later... BN has to leave for his hometown... I sent BN to meet his mom...~ and they left...~ Felt sad I couldn't join because it was CNY soon and we both have to visit our own relatives during CNY but we both planned to meet up so I can go join BN to meet his side of relatives...~ However... I was still paranoid over the Jackd issue... So I opened an account on Jack'd and then I found that guy's profile...` I chatted with that guy...

And I got to know the truth... And it hurts...~ It really really hurts

Seems that BN and that guy knew about a month plus ago...~ BN was indeed playing jackd...~ Then I searched for BN's jackd and found it...~ When I am around... BN deleted jackd... when I am off... BN downloaded back Jackd... that was what BN has been doing... how long... I have no idea...~ I called BN to spill my findings...~ And what happened was a turnover of events...~

I blamed BN for lying to me... swearing to me... breaking my trust... and BN blamed me for not trusting him...~ BN fire back at me... If I trust BN... why did I go check BN... if I say trust and still check on BN... isn't it I am lying to him too...~ I am being ironic...~ Why I say I trust him at first... if I don't... don't say it... I lied to BN too...~ So I was being fired back...~

In my mind... If I don't trust means I won't check... If I won't check means BN will be able to go on with his Jackd...~ And I will be living in lies...~ But I am at fault now...? What is this turning table all about... From BN lying becomes about me not trusting about BN... Seriously... I found it funny... I was seriously angry at that point of time...~ Am I suddenly the bad guy...~ Of course for BN to be playing Jackd is due to a few months back issue until this day...~ But that is not the point... The point... is about lying and breaching my trust to BN...~ That is from my side.... From BN side...~ If I trusted BN and say so... why must I check on BN...~

To me... is more of BN being caught and feeling guilty but just want to divert it to lessen the damage... But to me... it just got worse...~ Blaming me...? I don't think that was a good move.

I felt betrayed... felt hurt... I do tell myself this all the time... When I do suspect usually what I suspect is right... but... to find out what I suspect is true... It hurts...~ All the time I hope that what I suspect isn't true and then I will felt relief... But this wasn't the case...~ I didn't want to believe it was true... I really don't... But it was and I have to face it...~ As much I pray... crossed my fingers... that BN wouldn't do it... BN did... and I was really really shocked...~

The only thing I know at that time was... We couldn't go on anymore...~ It has to stop...~ I wouldn't go into details about what I found in BN jackd when BN trying to prove he didn't do anything inside besides chatting...~ But from what BN sounded... never plan or even said he will cease BN's jackd activity... Even the day after the quarrel... BN doesn't has or shown any remorse and still playing his Jackd... even put picture after me finding out...~ So I knew this has to end...~ BN felt he wasn't wrong... I felt he was wrong...~ And there is nothing both of us can do about it...~ I was angry and disappointed... This guy...~ one of the worse and terrible one I ever known...~ All this before about him... full of lies... many things about his goodness were made up just to get me to fall for him... Half true half not true... scared that he was not good enough for me... some of his portfolio or profile was smudged...~

Well...~ All goes into the drain...~ Some did asked if BN has cheated on me with other guys... well... I don't know... BN did say he didn't but... can I trust BN... is another issue of my own...~ I can honestly say70% I trust BN didn't... but 30% feeling that BN might have too...~ It is hard to say... But I felt BN didn't... And this is the problem...~

As much BN cheated me... I can mention break... but part of me didn't want to cause what BN did wasn't serious... I still believe no other guys was involved... So part to me wanted to forgive but then I am terrified...~ Even after incident BN didn't show remorse... Don't feel BN was wrong...~ Didn't realize what BN was doing after all...~ The amount of lies... BN has built on... I am scared... this round I manage to find out BN lying... next time I don't know anymore when will BN do this to me... Its been only 1.5 years and BN can lie to me something like this... if we have 15 years... I will be going though this 10 times... And honestly... I can't go through this over and over again...~ I am scared and terrified of being hurt...~

BN said a few things...
1. When he did all this... he never really thought of how I will feel if I find out... Cause to him... he thought I will never find out...~
2. So far... he felt only he can tolerate me... for being myself and no one else can stand me... So if he can't stand me... It means no one else can... So... good luck to me in finding another one...~
3. I can't be saved anymore... I am one screwed up guy... Ever wondered why I am good... but then...~ I have so many ex...~ I am damaged...~

Until this day... I remember this 3 sentences...~ and yes... I admit... I am damaged from my past... and I am really not a good guy... No one can stand me...~ and I know... That is why... I never think of getting another one if possible...~ Just too scared to find one more and get hurt again...~ I am tired too...~ and I feel I have suffered enough...~

Till this day... 6 months has passed from the time we broke off before CNY...~ It took me time to put BN down...~ Part of me still like BN... because BN is special to me... in certain ways...~ But part of me felt we couldn't be together because I felt BN was kind of like a monster...~ So I am practically torn apart... As much I still want to be with BN... I felt it wouldn't work out...~ So... I have to put my heart down... Try to erase the presence of BN around me...~ Trying to get through my life with no BN...

It is hard to find someone else too when you know that person is still in your heart...~ BN is still in mine... and whatever things I do... I feel guilt in it...~ It is like I am cheating on BN...~ so I couldn't...~ As much I felt I let go... I still ain't letting go...~ Am I waiting...? I don't know... But for now... after 6 months I can go on by saying I am not waiting... a few months ago... in my heart... it would still be... I am waiting...~ for BN to feel sorry and come back...~

For now...~ times passed...~ I wondered if I had grown stronger...~

What am I to do...?

Holding on... remaining who I am... a wanderer who isn't looking for another half...~
Letting go... moving on... finding someone to complete me...~

I realized that I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore.
That the person I missed didn't exist anymore.
People change...
The things we like and dislike change.
And we could wish all day long that they didn't.
But they always will...~
Am I holding on to something I need to let go of...?
How do I know whether it's the time to continue holding on or time to let it go?

Time...? Do I need more time, wait for a little while or should I act now...?

Practice love over again..?

Recently knew a new guy... SL...~

Well... not only SL... knew a few... or maybe a bit more guys than usual... Did went out with a few person... but this SL... I don't know what is different about him...~

Younger... very young... 22 years old... 7 years difference... I usually can't accept... Most probably for now is puppy love...~ For me...~

Suddenly confessing something on Facebook made me feel... Wow...~ this guy is awesome...~ Got the guts...

First meeting, SL told me SL had feelings... (mostly everyone has...)

2nd meeting... even more...~ and SL like me...~

My feelings...? I am feeling something in return...~

SL did something... Changed all SL time table to match mine... I just knew it on Sunday when we were having dinner... (Our 3rd outing) SL was trying to accommodate and move into my life...~ Just to know me better... to get closer to me...

It is so like BN... when I first knew BN... My heart was moved... I got attracted...

And now... again... it happens with SL... but for now... I need to know... this feeling I am having... is it for SL... or re-living BN time with me... and the feelings I have over SL is not real...~

There are a lot of things to settle to... if we both were to make ends meet... Our enemy... My enemy now... is time...~ Time is short at my side... But then... SL is willing to do some sacrifices...~ Wow...~ This is really something... and I feel I am falling...~

I wonder...~

Things just got messed up... The truth...?

Got a message from social app... Unknown guy started talking to me.. Shall name this person as KS...~ We chatted quite nice and KS suddenly let me know that KS got a lover etc. Suddenly inform me that KS knew another pharmacist from USM and they have encounter before... and gave me the surname...

Well, there are a few but I don't know if all are from USM or not...~ Besides I am not interested in other people's business so I just inform KS that I am not bothered. We chatted a bit and all...~ But this person was kind of weird... Anyway... lets see if we can be friend...~

A few days of chatting...~ until Wednesday...~ After yoga... I wanted to go for dinner... KS asked what I was doing and I informed KS that I am going for dinner... and KS said 'bo jio'. Fine... if like that I asked KS out for dinner... and KS accepted... Okay...~ At least I have a company to have dinner with...~

Met up at N-Park... had dinner there and met up with this KS...~

We chatted to know a bit more about each other and KS started hinting a few stuff about KS's lover... saying that I was out with his lover for Starbucks...~ I started to crack my head... Starbucks with KS's lover...~ Recently I went out with a lot of people to Starbucks... gosh...~ who...~

And guessed what... in the end... it was EL... Shocked..? Well.. kind of...~

And KS asked if I like EL cause KS felt I like EL because KS checks EL phone and saw my message with EL...~ Well... let's be honest... I like EL at one point but after 2 days of knowing him better...~ I knew EL isn't the type of person I want and not my ideal lover...~ But KS still insist saying I still have feel for EL... What I can tell KS now is... I am more like flirting and disturbing EL...~ In a way to get back at EL... at one point of time, EL became a sweet talker and the thing was... EL didn't inform me that EL was attached... for a year and half... This is super messed up man... What EL is doing... and with all this lies...

This also proof that I was right and I made the right choice of letting go of my feel towards EL... <happy> but I felt pitiful for KS....

Next question KS asked bluntly... Did I have encounters with EL... Well, of course not... EL and I are of the same position, it would be impossible for us to have anything...~ More to senior and junior..~

Surprisingly, this, KS believe... but KS doesn't believe I have no feelings for EL anymore... To me in my heart... If KS told me EL was KS's lover... if I still like EL... I would have felt heart broken and sad... but I didn't and I was happy... and angry at the same time...~

Happy...? cause I let it go...

Angry...? cause EL lied and hurt KS...~ EL did told me... there is nothing to hide... EL will be open to me...~ all lies... and I hate liars...~ By current situation if I see EL, I will just give EL a tight slap and leave...~ But to protect KS... I am just holding back...~ (EL, you are lucky to have such good KS and I hope you realize it)

KS did say EL wanted to introduce me properly to KS... and they had fight before regarding EL wanting to meet up with me...~ Wow...~ I became part of their reason for a fight... Sigh...~

Now... EL doesn't know I know KS... and KS don't want EL know I knew KS...~ so practically... I am stuck in between both... have to pretend to be like normal in front of EL as thought I don't know all this...~ on the other hand...~ with KS... will chat about EL...~ yeah... practically stuck in between...

EL... EL... EL... still has not change and still the same old person with a sweet mouth... Seriously...~ I don't know what KS see in EL... good...? EL is not bad and good...? Gosh...~ I can only say... at least half of my ex that I has are way better than EL.... but I can break with my ex due to their mistake... How can I really like EL...~

But currently.. I am sandwiched in between both of them...~

Today itself... KS informed me that most probably EL know about KS knowing me...~ So...~ I still have to keep pretending I don't that KS and EL are together...

Two facts..~
1. I feel bad towards KS... (some things are best not revealed)
2. I don't like EL for over a period of time already.

I think what I type above is also messed up...~

All in all... I only know now I still miss BN...~ That's all...~

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable, is about what...