The world is not a wishing granting factory

It was a happy day that I got back my test result... All were negative except for my HSV-1... But then again...~ It isn't really an STD...~ I took medication and hope to get better...~

And as time goes on, I insisted SY to do blood test to...~ We both were excited and also worried about what SY finding would be... but we both keep in mind that nothing will go bad and thing will be fine...~

As the days passed...~ SY asked suddenly why is the results taking so long compared to mine... I doubted too if there is anything serious but then reassure SY that nothing bad is to happy... Just maybe too many test to be run and his is delayed...~

So happened the day after SY asked...~ The Lab did call.. and asked SY to collect his report...~ Of course... I came along...~

When we arrived at the test center...~ We waited a while... Until when the staff took SY report and asked SY to go inside the room... I tagged along at first...~ But then was stopped by the staff and was informed to wait outside...~

I got a shock...~ I saw SY looked at me... I put up a smile to SY...~ But deep inside me...~ My heart froze... My heart beat really fast and I feel worried... For the first time in my life...~ My heart sank... I have a bad feeling and also feel something tells me my worst fear as come true...

I was sitting outside...every minute passed... I keep looking on my watch and watched as the minutes passed.. I was clenching my fist... holding my hand... restless... but telling myself... nothing...it's okay... it's okay... just some minor things... It's not that... it's not that...~

And then I heard the door opened... and saw SY came out... his face pale...~ as if he was in shock... My heart beats even faster... I was reluctant to go in... Suddenly... I don't want to know...~ But with a heavy heart... with each step that I took...~ I need to be strong... and stay strong... put up a smile... and be a support to SY...~

I went in and sat down... And the staff informed that the results came back detected... I was dumbfounded... I don't know what to reply and just put on a smile... Deep inside me... my heart breaks into million pieces... and I felt hurt and betray...~ I looked at SY... I saw his look... So I knew I can't be weak... I have to be strong to support him and to be his pillar...~ So I continued to smile and tell him don't worry...~

The staff inform us that there is another test that needs to be done to actually confirmed the results... I agreed too... But deep inside me... I knew the test is actually almost accurate...~ and the test was repeated twice from different lab... But I just agreed to go ahead with it...~ To buy time... so that both of us can accept it...~

We left... heavy heartedly... Each of us are shocked... but I felt SY was feeling even worse than me... SY was worried about it and still in disbelief... I was feeling lost too... but try to put us into a direction... Telling SY that everything is okay... and things aren't so bad...~ We have to stay strong and SY has me by his side...~

In my mind... I thought SY was the one I am looking for... the other half... that I have always been searching... the other half... that needs the same thing as me.... wants the same life with me... SY was the one... and I was sure...~ But I don't know why the heavens always will give us a setback...~ There is always a 'but' in our life... Life is not perfect... the world is really not a wishing granting factory...~

Finally I felt that I have met the love of my life...~ But there is always something new that we has to face...~ The night... we went for dinner with SY family... a gathering to celebrate with his sister and cousin's birthday...~ We had a good time until when they arrived home and watched the wedding video of one of their relative...~

When I was it... I say SY... being a receptionist and also a dancer for the opening...~ When I saw it... I knew I was in love with him... The way he dances... his happiness... the way he smiled.... the way I can see his eyes... is full of happiness... but after today... I knew that isn't in SY anymore... that guy that I saw in the video... now... is a different person...~ I was cursing my own... why I have to get himto do the test...~ why he get it... who gave it to him...~ Who is that person that gave him that... and now I am the one that has to bear with it with him...~ But of me is also angry at SY... why he don't protect himself properly...~ Now... there is no U-turn back..~

I mean... I did things worse than SY in my life.. but why not me..~ Why this person...~ He looks innocent and naïve... but to have this... it will be hard for SY...~ I have seen before... people in the outside world... it is not easy...~ They can have a normal life... but also a suffering life too...~But any how... I have to be strong for SY...~ To help SY through...~ I don't know how much time he and I will have... but at least... for now... I want to make use of all the time we have...~ Try to prolong SY life...~

Of course... I am scared... one day... I will be alone... will be single...~ and at that time... who will be my companion...~ What will my life be... I still don't know... but for now..~ Even though I can't see where my road will lead... or where the stairway will lead... I shall take the first time... and see how...~ This is my only road... the only one I have in my mind...~ I do hope we can live together... and leave together...~ I just hope... I can only just hope and wish...~

Am I prepare to be alone later in life... I don't really now for know...~ For now.. I just want to be with SY...~

Honestly... If we weren't together... or planning to be together... if I knew this... Most probably we won't be together...~

BUT...~

How I regret...~ I only know one time... from day 1 when I was with SY... I love him and I never thought of leaving him... And after I knew about this...~ This new entity that is living with SY... I never thought of leaving SY too... It is not SY and I anymore... it is SY and I... and a 3rd party...~ Somehow...~ It is as if I have fallen for him... and feels that love can conquer anything...~ I hope this feeling last as for now as  I don't want to lose SY from my live...~

A new beginning...

It's been about 6 weeks since I left Penang and back in KL...

After so long, this is the first time I ever have the chance to blog... and I guess this might be a long one...~

Once back... I knew I was going back to my previous hospital for work. Sigh...~ back to my old life but a life as a single guy... Once with BN... and now... I am on my own again...~ As usual, definitely will play those p apps...~ And among many guys that I knew... I would highlight this guy, SY.

We knew each other from the apps.. Chat from time to time but on a friendly basis but who knows things would turn tide as time goes.

One night, after completing my personal matters, I was suppose to have dinner with my 2nd ex but then got put off because he has to attend a late meeting... Hanging around alone.. I don't know what to do and I am hungry... needing to eat and find a company, I scroll through the apps to find someone who is available and SY and a few other guys came about... I messaged all of them and SY replied.

So we chatted, as much I wanted to have dinner only, SY kept on asking many questions that bugged me and pissed me off... Gosh... I just want to have dinner only...~ Either yes or not...~ Not asking why I am around there what I am doing around there etc...~ I almost wanted to give up and just have dinner by my own...~ Until suddenly SY said okay... We are to meet at the bank.

So... I reached and waited... and waited... and didn't see SY turn up... Was wondering will he show up or just put me off too...~ Suddenly I felt like I was being cheated and I was about to leave and messaged him... SY replied he was coming... and so I gave another chance to be patience and waited... I was telling my self in another 5 minutes if SY don't appear I will just leave.. But he appeared...~

We had dinner and just have a normal chat and he announce that he got lover... ^^ That's great for him... For me...~ Suddenly I felt lonely and single... and envy because someone has lover and not me after so long but then...~ As till date... there still isn't a guy who I feel can be on same level or better than BN...~ Maybe BN is right...~ There won't be anyone else who can know what I want or do what I want...~

After dinner we depart and after that we exchange phone number to chat on WeChat rather than just the P apps...~

From there, we chatted more and went out a few more times... As time goes on I realize I start to have feel for him... and I could feel he has feel for me...~ But keeping in mind he has a lover so I keep reminding myself that we are friends... but as I did that, I do meet other p people and if SY know then he will get jealous but the weird thing is he didn't admit he like me also...~ So I couldn't be bothered and just go on with my daily life...~ As times goes on things got complicated between us...~

20th Sept... 2014... Its Bon Odori day....~ SL, A & B is coming down from Penang, as planned from end of September... SL has been all the while liking me and wanting to make me his other half but I don't feel he and I are meant to be as he isn't my type...~ So I did told him before that I don't know if we can be together but I just don't want to think about relationship at that point of time...~ So I told him that I want to concentrate on my life and in a years time only decide when I go back to Penang...~ At that point of time SL planned to come down KL to be with me but I forbid because I have a feeling I will go back Penang in a year time because I can't stand the life in KL...~ So SL planned to wait for me until I go back but make frequent trip to  KL to meet me...~

But on then 19th Sept, SY and I got into a serious talk and suddenly we confessed to each other that we have feel towards each other but then nothing can be done...~ But on that day itself... We informed each other that we became lover... Then problem arise.. How am I going to tell SL... I know I am in trouble...~ But then... I know that sooner or later... I have to announce about SY and me...~

Well, in the end, I did announce out and things went terribly wrong... I spoilt the whole Bon Odori excursion for A & B... and I did big damages towards SL... till the end until now... I don't know what to do... I felt so guilty towards them...~

Until this day...~ until this day...~

Wound opened...~

B... B... B...~

Was friend with B... kind of helped this couple A and B in their relationship... Maybe B had a good will and wanted to help back...~ So B tried to contact BN and get some info about me... and about BN...~

Well... not the brightest move I supposed...~

After 6 months... Finally I was almost able to tell myself... BN... since so long we don't contact and do anything... and BN didn't find me... Means we both are moving on nicely and I can let BN go...~

But recently... B came with news on BN... about BN and all... and it got me moved a bit it all was okay...~ I was able to still stand on my solid ground...

Until the day when I called BN suddenly to ask about the necklace stone he had... Cause I sent the necklace for polishing and maintenance...

BN brought up about B... and posted stuff chatted between both of them...~ and that opened the wound up of BN and me...~ Seems like I'm still in BN's heart...~ Damn...!~ Why must I know this...~ The reason I block BN out of my life... is so that I can have my life... and not BN in my mind...~

But due to B... BN and I chatted a while regarding B.... and no...~ B was not our common enemy that we both could be together... But my opened wound reminded me of BN of what happened 6 months ago...~ and suddenly... all the locked memories about BN and I creeps in...~

Those words... Those things that happened...~ What have we both done... What have I done...~

I was on the verge of letting go... Almost ready to start a new... But then... I am taken back now...~ I don't know what am I doing... or what I am suppose to do...~

Am currently re-enforcing myself to let go and that BN and I ain't possible...~ Even though I felt I was... Gosh...~ I am so contradicting...~

But for now... I really don't know what to do...~ I still can't forgive BN... and I am not going to make the move...~ Neither will BN...~

So... just let it go and let it be...~ I will try to move on again... But this time should be faster...~

6 months passed...~ Flash back...~

I guess made the wrong choices in life sometimes...~ I guess I shouldn't have come to Penang... I shouldn't have choose Penang if I know all this will happen...

The fraud case... the break up... I looked up at the stars at times when I am out... When I can see the stars...~ I wonder...~ Would all this have made a difference if I had stay in KL...~ Would any of this all turned out different if I would have rejected coming to Penang and stay put in KL...

Unfortunately... the stars wouldn't tell me... It will be a side where I will never know the answer to all this... it is only always...~ "What if..."

Regrets...~ there are regrets in my life...~ no doubt about it...~ But we can't turn back time...~ We only can move on...~ Make the best out of what we have...~ But I don't want to... I can't...~ With BN... it was like one of my happiest time in my whole 11 years of life when I first knew about myself...~ Sort of... I found myself... Someone who I know I will do almost anything for him...~

Also... I am tired of trying to find someone else...~ Life is just tiring...~

Coming to Penang was one of my happiest moment... and also saddest...~ The day before I left...~ I was with BN for one last night...~ I know part of him and me knows that we don't want to part... Part of me... when I looked into his eyes... I can feel his eyes telling me... 'don't go... stay... I need you'... Me...? I wanted to tell him how much I love him and hope that I can be with him... but I was greedy too... This was one of my life time dream to further study... To do something for a better future for me... for us...~ I really have faith and thought we will make it through...~

Every 2 weeks, I tried to make efforts to go back and find BN... to spend time... stayed with BN... of course... we weren't stable...~ We quarreled a lot... stress... life... and loneliness... Me, myself... faith, trust seems to be an issue...~ I was worrying of losing BN... I got paranoid... got scared...~ we quarreled a lot and I even mentioned break off a few times...~ Maybe that got BN insecurity...~ I wonder...~

I supposed Christmas and New year eve was the breaking point..~ We have major quarrel on the phone...~ I am never good...~ Honestly... is like after so many relationship... I didn't become better... I became worse...~ One part stacked up to another past made me paranoid and scared of my next one...~

Many wonder why BN and I broke off...~ Even know when I closed my eyes...~ I still remember it cleary everytime when I hear BN's voice... I remember the whole quarreling incident...

Jan 2014.. I was back for Chinese New Year... Went back CNY a few days earlier to be with BN before BN leave back to his hometown...~ Stayed at BN room...~ One morning... BN was going to work as usual... Woke up with him showering... and I went over BN's handphone...~ Went through BN's messages... and wechat...~ found a guy who was going to add BN but BN had not add yet...~ The guy who wanted to add BN wrote there "I'm from Jackd"... Yeah... that got me paranoid... what had happened...

The night before... I did spoke to BN... informing BN that if he wants to play Jack'd he could but just tell me honestly... Well... he told me he was never going to play it and I should know him much and also about his view on Jackd that guys there are looking for fun...~

But this morning...~ there was a guy who was going to add him...~ BN showered and came in the room... and I started interrogating him...~ Asked how this guy knew him or vice versa... He told me he don't know and he didn't play jacked...~ He told me... wechat has this function... when you 'shake it' then maybe ppl found him... and he told me... a lot ppl commented his look has the 'p' looks... so most probably that guy was within his range and wanted to add him cause he looks 'p' from his pics...~ For me... I feel it is lies and bullshit.. So I told him... "If that guy wanted to add you... he wouldn't just say he is from Jack'd but why he said so...". BN told me he didn't know and say that guys is just some random guy.

Then I told BN to tell me with his own words... That he isn't playing Jack'd and he isn't lying...~ BN swore to me...~ BN wasn't playing... and BN wasn't lying... he don't know that guy...~ Then BN say it is up to me if I trust him or not...~ I told BN... I trust him...~ And things were okay...~

2 days later... BN has to leave for his hometown... I sent BN to meet his mom...~ and they left...~ Felt sad I couldn't join because it was CNY soon and we both have to visit our own relatives during CNY but we both planned to meet up so I can go join BN to meet his side of relatives...~ However... I was still paranoid over the Jackd issue... So I opened an account on Jack'd and then I found that guy's profile...` I chatted with that guy...

And I got to know the truth... And it hurts...~ It really really hurts

Seems that BN and that guy knew about a month plus ago...~ BN was indeed playing jackd...~ Then I searched for BN's jackd and found it...~ When I am around... BN deleted jackd... when I am off... BN downloaded back Jackd... that was what BN has been doing... how long... I have no idea...~ I called BN to spill my findings...~ And what happened was a turnover of events...~

I blamed BN for lying to me... swearing to me... breaking my trust... and BN blamed me for not trusting him...~ BN fire back at me... If I trust BN... why did I go check BN... if I say trust and still check on BN... isn't it I am lying to him too...~ I am being ironic...~ Why I say I trust him at first... if I don't... don't say it... I lied to BN too...~ So I was being fired back...~

In my mind... If I don't trust means I won't check... If I won't check means BN will be able to go on with his Jackd...~ And I will be living in lies...~ But I am at fault now...? What is this turning table all about... From BN lying becomes about me not trusting about BN... Seriously... I found it funny... I was seriously angry at that point of time...~ Am I suddenly the bad guy...~ Of course for BN to be playing Jackd is due to a few months back issue until this day...~ But that is not the point... The point... is about lying and breaching my trust to BN...~ That is from my side.... From BN side...~ If I trusted BN and say so... why must I check on BN...~

To me... is more of BN being caught and feeling guilty but just want to divert it to lessen the damage... But to me... it just got worse...~ Blaming me...? I don't think that was a good move.

I felt betrayed... felt hurt... I do tell myself this all the time... When I do suspect usually what I suspect is right... but... to find out what I suspect is true... It hurts...~ All the time I hope that what I suspect isn't true and then I will felt relief... But this wasn't the case...~ I didn't want to believe it was true... I really don't... But it was and I have to face it...~ As much I pray... crossed my fingers... that BN wouldn't do it... BN did... and I was really really shocked...~

The only thing I know at that time was... We couldn't go on anymore...~ It has to stop...~ I wouldn't go into details about what I found in BN jackd when BN trying to prove he didn't do anything inside besides chatting...~ But from what BN sounded... never plan or even said he will cease BN's jackd activity... Even the day after the quarrel... BN doesn't has or shown any remorse and still playing his Jackd... even put picture after me finding out...~ So I knew this has to end...~ BN felt he wasn't wrong... I felt he was wrong...~ And there is nothing both of us can do about it...~ I was angry and disappointed... This guy...~ one of the worse and terrible one I ever known...~ All this before about him... full of lies... many things about his goodness were made up just to get me to fall for him... Half true half not true... scared that he was not good enough for me... some of his portfolio or profile was smudged...~

Well...~ All goes into the drain...~ Some did asked if BN has cheated on me with other guys... well... I don't know... BN did say he didn't but... can I trust BN... is another issue of my own...~ I can honestly say70% I trust BN didn't... but 30% feeling that BN might have too...~ It is hard to say... But I felt BN didn't... And this is the problem...~

As much BN cheated me... I can mention break... but part of me didn't want to cause what BN did wasn't serious... I still believe no other guys was involved... So part to me wanted to forgive but then I am terrified...~ Even after incident BN didn't show remorse... Don't feel BN was wrong...~ Didn't realize what BN was doing after all...~ The amount of lies... BN has built on... I am scared... this round I manage to find out BN lying... next time I don't know anymore when will BN do this to me... Its been only 1.5 years and BN can lie to me something like this... if we have 15 years... I will be going though this 10 times... And honestly... I can't go through this over and over again...~ I am scared and terrified of being hurt...~

BN said a few things...
1. When he did all this... he never really thought of how I will feel if I find out... Cause to him... he thought I will never find out...~
2. So far... he felt only he can tolerate me... for being myself and no one else can stand me... So if he can't stand me... It means no one else can... So... good luck to me in finding another one...~
3. I can't be saved anymore... I am one screwed up guy... Ever wondered why I am good... but then...~ I have so many ex...~ I am damaged...~

Until this day... I remember this 3 sentences...~ and yes... I admit... I am damaged from my past... and I am really not a good guy... No one can stand me...~ and I know... That is why... I never think of getting another one if possible...~ Just too scared to find one more and get hurt again...~ I am tired too...~ and I feel I have suffered enough...~

Till this day... 6 months has passed from the time we broke off before CNY...~ It took me time to put BN down...~ Part of me still like BN... because BN is special to me... in certain ways...~ But part of me felt we couldn't be together because I felt BN was kind of like a monster...~ So I am practically torn apart... As much I still want to be with BN... I felt it wouldn't work out...~ So... I have to put my heart down... Try to erase the presence of BN around me...~ Trying to get through my life with no BN...

It is hard to find someone else too when you know that person is still in your heart...~ BN is still in mine... and whatever things I do... I feel guilt in it...~ It is like I am cheating on BN...~ so I couldn't...~ As much I felt I let go... I still ain't letting go...~ Am I waiting...? I don't know... But for now... after 6 months I can go on by saying I am not waiting... a few months ago... in my heart... it would still be... I am waiting...~ for BN to feel sorry and come back...~

For now...~ times passed...~ I wondered if I had grown stronger...~

What am I to do...?

Holding on... remaining who I am... a wanderer who isn't looking for another half...~
Letting go... moving on... finding someone to complete me...~

I realized that I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore.
That the person I missed didn't exist anymore.
People change...
The things we like and dislike change.
And we could wish all day long that they didn't.
But they always will...~
Am I holding on to something I need to let go of...?
How do I know whether it's the time to continue holding on or time to let it go?

Time...? Do I need more time, wait for a little while or should I act now...?

Practice love over again..?

Recently knew a new guy... SL...~

Well... not only SL... knew a few... or maybe a bit more guys than usual... Did went out with a few person... but this SL... I don't know what is different about him...~

Younger... very young... 22 years old... 7 years difference... I usually can't accept... Most probably for now is puppy love...~ For me...~

Suddenly confessing something on Facebook made me feel... Wow...~ this guy is awesome...~ Got the guts...

First meeting, SL told me SL had feelings... (mostly everyone has...)

2nd meeting... even more...~ and SL like me...~

My feelings...? I am feeling something in return...~

SL did something... Changed all SL time table to match mine... I just knew it on Sunday when we were having dinner... (Our 3rd outing) SL was trying to accommodate and move into my life...~ Just to know me better... to get closer to me...

It is so like BN... when I first knew BN... My heart was moved... I got attracted...

And now... again... it happens with SL... but for now... I need to know... this feeling I am having... is it for SL... or re-living BN time with me... and the feelings I have over SL is not real...~

There are a lot of things to settle to... if we both were to make ends meet... Our enemy... My enemy now... is time...~ Time is short at my side... But then... SL is willing to do some sacrifices...~ Wow...~ This is really something... and I feel I am falling...~

I wonder...~

Things just got messed up... The truth...?

Got a message from social app... Unknown guy started talking to me.. Shall name this person as KS...~ We chatted quite nice and KS suddenly let me know that KS got a lover etc. Suddenly inform me that KS knew another pharmacist from USM and they have encounter before... and gave me the surname...

Well, there are a few but I don't know if all are from USM or not...~ Besides I am not interested in other people's business so I just inform KS that I am not bothered. We chatted a bit and all...~ But this person was kind of weird... Anyway... lets see if we can be friend...~

A few days of chatting...~ until Wednesday...~ After yoga... I wanted to go for dinner... KS asked what I was doing and I informed KS that I am going for dinner... and KS said 'bo jio'. Fine... if like that I asked KS out for dinner... and KS accepted... Okay...~ At least I have a company to have dinner with...~

Met up at N-Park... had dinner there and met up with this KS...~

We chatted to know a bit more about each other and KS started hinting a few stuff about KS's lover... saying that I was out with his lover for Starbucks...~ I started to crack my head... Starbucks with KS's lover...~ Recently I went out with a lot of people to Starbucks... gosh...~ who...~

And guessed what... in the end... it was EL... Shocked..? Well.. kind of...~

And KS asked if I like EL cause KS felt I like EL because KS checks EL phone and saw my message with EL...~ Well... let's be honest... I like EL at one point but after 2 days of knowing him better...~ I knew EL isn't the type of person I want and not my ideal lover...~ But KS still insist saying I still have feel for EL... What I can tell KS now is... I am more like flirting and disturbing EL...~ In a way to get back at EL... at one point of time, EL became a sweet talker and the thing was... EL didn't inform me that EL was attached... for a year and half... This is super messed up man... What EL is doing... and with all this lies...

This also proof that I was right and I made the right choice of letting go of my feel towards EL... <happy> but I felt pitiful for KS....

Next question KS asked bluntly... Did I have encounters with EL... Well, of course not... EL and I are of the same position, it would be impossible for us to have anything...~ More to senior and junior..~

Surprisingly, this, KS believe... but KS doesn't believe I have no feelings for EL anymore... To me in my heart... If KS told me EL was KS's lover... if I still like EL... I would have felt heart broken and sad... but I didn't and I was happy... and angry at the same time...~

Happy...? cause I let it go...

Angry...? cause EL lied and hurt KS...~ EL did told me... there is nothing to hide... EL will be open to me...~ all lies... and I hate liars...~ By current situation if I see EL, I will just give EL a tight slap and leave...~ But to protect KS... I am just holding back...~ (EL, you are lucky to have such good KS and I hope you realize it)

KS did say EL wanted to introduce me properly to KS... and they had fight before regarding EL wanting to meet up with me...~ Wow...~ I became part of their reason for a fight... Sigh...~

Now... EL doesn't know I know KS... and KS don't want EL know I knew KS...~ so practically... I am stuck in between both... have to pretend to be like normal in front of EL as thought I don't know all this...~ on the other hand...~ with KS... will chat about EL...~ yeah... practically stuck in between...

EL... EL... EL... still has not change and still the same old person with a sweet mouth... Seriously...~ I don't know what KS see in EL... good...? EL is not bad and good...? Gosh...~ I can only say... at least half of my ex that I has are way better than EL.... but I can break with my ex due to their mistake... How can I really like EL...~

But currently.. I am sandwiched in between both of them...~

Today itself... KS informed me that most probably EL know about KS knowing me...~ So...~ I still have to keep pretending I don't that KS and EL are together...

Two facts..~
1. I feel bad towards KS... (some things are best not revealed)
2. I don't like EL for over a period of time already.

I think what I type above is also messed up...~

All in all... I only know now I still miss BN...~ That's all...~

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable, is about what...

練習愛情 (王大文 ft. 陳芳語)

Practive Love (Let's Work It Out) (Dawen feat Kimberley Chen)

I really don't understand
Yesterday, you were still very tender
I probably made a mistake
That's why your eyes are red

The things girls care about
They're completely different from what guys care about
Although I really don't understand
Believe in my sincerity
Hold on to my hand, don't retreat

Let's work it out together (practice love)
I'm gradually learning how to no make you frown
Day by day, I'm gradually  assimilating in to your world
I just want to work it out with you (practice love)
Loving incorrectly, acting incorrectly, one more time
Until I cram happiness in to your every day life

I want to be with you until forever
But I don't feel safe
I can't feel your feelings
Without a doubt, it's you who causes my insomnia

Maybe I oughta reconcile
Mistakes come from not understanding
Actually, your heart can change
Wipe away my tears
Give love one more chance

Let's work it out together (practice love)
I want to learn to be an expert, acknowledging I'm wrong
I take a step back, you take a step back, it's harmonious
I just want to work it out with you (practice love)
Take a wrong step, the beat is wrong, one more time
It doesn't matter, we have a whole lifetime

They say the devil is in the details
Let us do whatever, be a little careful
Slowly get familiar, protect everything in the grip of your hands

If we can work it out together (practice love)
I'm gradually learning how to no make you frown
Day by day, I'm gradually  assimilating in to your world
I just want to work it out with you (practice love)
Loving incorrectly, acting incorrectly, one more time
Until I cram happiness in to your every day life

Take a wrong step, the beat is wrong, one more time
It doesn't matter, we have a whole lifetime

回心轉意 (王大文) - From someone

A Change of Heart (Dawen)

I just want to say I'm sorry
As I watch you turn away and disappear
I've rejected my friends' concerns
How I wish you'd turn around and come back

Making you cry was all my fault
Oh, how time does not listen to me

Can you have a change of heart
Understand my true and sincere heart
Don't leave me, we still have dreams
Love isn't so easy

Can you have a change of heart
Let me tenderly be by your side
I won't make you sad, I'll be more mature
I won't be dodgy again.

Let's start over
Start again
You love me
Please believe me

I just want to say I'm sorry
Please don't be discouraged by love
I really want to hold you tight right now
I'm not the bad guy you think I am

Making you cry was all my fault
Oh, how time does not listen to me
Does not listen to me

I feel so lucky to be in love with you
I'm already used to you being by my side everyday
You are my everything in my life
Please come back
Come back
Come back

Depressed...?

I feel lost...~

Total lost...~

Don't know what am I doing now in my life...~

What is my direction and what I am to do...~

Have no interest in anything...~

The fire that I once had in me, died...~

Is this depression...~ I wonder...~

Now That She's Gone (林俊傑) - For BN

For BN and me...~

Heart Attack (Cover - Sam Tsui & Chrissy Costanza) - For EL

This is for EL and me...~

Felt like a fool... When I am going to wake up...???

Recently knew a new guy... Going to just name him EL...~ About a week ago was our first meeting and is as though I thought we both have some chemistry... As the week past, we spend some time with each other and my feelings for him grew suddenly... Well... I thought I found BN replacement suddenly... We were from same work environment... Have some goal and things to accomplish in life... Things just seemed to fall in for both of us...~  Well... maybe for me...~

To be realistic... In about a few months I will depart back to KL... distance will be a problem for he and I... so this would pose a problem.. EL did say let's see how and move things slowly... I agree... but I think I move on too fast...~ Maybe he was sort of ideal...~ I start to dump my load in this boat and try to sail it...~

I think I was wrong...~ maybe EL isn't the guy I think could be with me...~ Well, of course EL claimed to stopped using social apps but of course EL still has his current p friends. So he got every right to go out with them... Yesterday morning, EL planned to have breakfast with me but EL got up late and I have class, so EL has to have his own breakfast and he went out with another p... So last minute but so fast EL can get another p friend as back up...~ Haha...~

Today... EL worked again... Was thinking of finding EL for lunch but then...~ Didn't got a reply...~ In the evening, got in touched with him... And then suddenly got a message from him that EL is going out dinner with friend... I don't mean to pry... but then I ask also...~ and I asked... Hoping I am not right... But I was...~ EL said it was a p...~ Having dinner near USM area...~

Sigh...~ EL has the time but rather have dinner with another p... Most probably maximizing his time that he could spend with ppl... Keeping a balance... This is what I am trying to think to reason up...~ But well...~ to make myself feel better...~ But then, that guy was the same guy as yesterday...~ Well... maybe need to meet more than once... a bit too much...~ Most likely got something else I think...~ Most likely EL actually have a few guys in mind and now is just trying to make up his mind...~ If is so... should I put effort...??

But who am I joking...~ Wake up fansu...~ Wake up...~ Yeah... I felt hurt a bit... and I think I will back off now... Haha...~ Feel like laughing and crying at the same time...~ I think I am still childish...~ Still haven't learn...~ Walk away fansu... walk away before you hurt yourself again...~

On the other hand...~ It seems like I can move on from BN..~ And now I wonder...~ Eh...?~ Is this the sign I can move on...? But then... this now I know BN is somewhere in Penang and I am still scare to face him...~ I wonder why...~ Maybe I still can't move on in the end...~ When EL is with me...~ I do still of BN... >.<...~ I think I still can't escape...~

But anyhow...~ I think its time for me to stop this between EL and I...~ I came across a guy's saying and I find it so true...~ and I shall quote by Tristan Tan

"P life is like the entertainment industry. Appearance is everything. Realistic in every single way. Everyone is working so hard in the gym and getting suntanned apart from having great hairstyles, branded colourful clothes and shoes. Expensive skin care products are a must to look great, to the max.

We know each other and some are even in the FB friend list but we never really talk or greet. Some gossip and spread rumours while some can't wait to see you fall.

Deep down, everyone is waiting for his Prince Charming but we have been hurt before. We hope to move on but we are afraid to fall in love in this hopeless place. Ended up everyone seeks for fun. Frequently the guy you sleep with sleep with your friends before. Or you might hear of new practice of open relationship that chill with 3p, 4p, 5p or even more. Complicated love affair that involved many people is nothing special but too common.

I'm tired repeating over the same routine. Fed up with all the endless attitudes that kill. Don't you feel the same?"

Yeah...~ I feel the same..~ so what am I to do...~ Let it go I guess...~

全民寶貝Kimberley陳芳語《分手說愛你》 Official MV (HD)

BREAK UP SAYING I LOVE YOU (Kimberley Chen)

Embracing the love, wanting to be spoiled by you
This kind of special romance
I've never thought of leaving behind, used to have your company.

But why when we reach the end, both of us are at different rhythm
In our conversation all that is left is helplessness
Our relationship has became awkward
More and more politely we treat each other

When we stop singing for love and wave away the dream that we agreed on
The hand that I used to depend on is no longer gentle, what more could I want

I've never thought of being free
The simplicity of living alone
May be relaxing or may be lonely
How I wish I can be moved by love
Happiness is replaced with blank white
The colourfulness of the future is not worth anticipating

"We are still good friends", these are all excuses
Don't say comforting words
Why don't we keep the silence after leaving, don't look back

When we stop singing for love and wave away the dream that we agreed on
The hand that I used to depend on is no longer gentle, what more could I want

I've never thought of being free
The simplicity of living alone
May be relaxing or may be lonely
How I wish I can be moved by love
Happiness is replaced with blank white
The colorfulness of the future is not worth anticipating

Who was it that loved too strongly, forgetting to treasure what we had
After loss we finally understand the right to bravery, how it makes people feel unwilling to let go

I've never thought of being free (Cause baby I don't want freedom)
The simplicity of living alone
May be relaxing or may be lonely
How I wish I can be moved by love
Happiness is replaced with blank white
The colorfulness of the future is not worth anticipating

Cause baby you're so alone

Why can't I move on...?

Went out with BA for a movie just now... Well, we've been knowing each other for about a month... And it was fun and nice...~ To have a company and sort of like a BFF...~ We started very well and have many things in common...~ Sort of like my mirror image... In a way... an ideal image of a lover...~

Recently, things feel a bit different between BA and me...~ I think i sort of change and feel uncomfortable...~ Recently BA been calling me sweet name like babe... Yesterday during lunch he started to *pat* *pat* my head...~ I just kept quiet but it was awkward...~ This is just so like my ex doing... JC...~ Did he manage to get hold of my previous blog...? But to me...~ I don't want another JC moment...~

In the car just now, BA voice out that he suspected I have another in my life and might have a relationship with someone else...~ I myself think it is funny...~ As I don't think I could have one... I mean... So far among so many guys, BA seemed to be closest to me...~

Until today, there is still something holding me back from relationship...~ What I can type here might seems to be a reason but then... For me... it is the reason why I don't think I can commit myself...~

1. Tired and scared of relationship I guess...~ To be able to understand and accept another person for who they are...
2. I am an OCD person...~ Paranoid... Can't trust people...~ Believe all that I know is right...~
3. Some part of my ex (BN) is still holding me back...~ Not that I like him or want to be back to him...~ But the things he said is quite true... He has been good so far trying to accommodate to me so far... And he did say that if he can't stand me... he guess no one else can stand me...~ "I really cannot be saved already... and he feels sad he couldn't help me"

I don't know why when someone tries to take a step forward moving more into a relationship... I will  step back...~  The more step someone take... The more I will retreat...~ I still think I am not ready...~

I am OCD... no one has seen it yet besides my lover... I am possessive... I feel insecure... I don't trust anyone...~ That is my problem...~ If i fall deep for someone... This traits of mine will appear...~ As long I don't fall in love....~ There is no problem...~ Everyone will be happy...~ No stress...~ So it seems like I am happy being single...~ Trust in LTR...? In eternity...? In plu love...~ I don't know...~

Last time in relationship... I have to worry what my lover is doing... Is he cheating on me...~ Sometimes I am even scare to check them for I am scare of the things I might find out while checking...~ If I close one eye... then my heart won't feel good...~ And I start to be paranoid...~ SO either way for me... it is still a burden to me...~ Always worrying... not trusting...~ I don't know why I can't trust my lovers...  I really wonder is it because of my past experience of my ex...

Could the walls around me come crumbling down? So that I can leave this prison and step into the open air...~

I shouldn't be here... I don't want to be here...~

Going back to KL today... Main reason is for my beloved guitar...~ I am dying to get my guitar and enjoy music like how I used to do...~ The only thing that I can express out my feelings is usually through musical instrument... It is like, they are my true friends where I can let them know anything about me while not holding back...

Bought a last minute ticket but still able to get a good seat... Bus was almost full...~ Halfway getting home, received a message from mom informing me to remove of all the ear ring that I had... Grandma is around the house...~ So mom hope I can remove them in order to save her the humiliation of explaining how come her son, a guy is wearing ear ring...~ Have to oblige... remove...~

I don't like coming back KL... there isn't any freedom... isn't anything left for me here...~ I want to run away from a place where I once call it home...~ The scam, my ex and family...~ I am not who I am currently when I am in KL...~ I can't be who I am...~ I can't express out my feelings here...~ Life here couldn't move the way that I want...~ It's like a bird sitting in a cage...~

After the scam, dad treated me like a small kid, needing to wait for me at the bus stop when I arrived and sending me away from the bus stop...~ Today, I informed him that I would like to go back to the house on my own...~ I am not a puppy or a pet who doesn't know his way home...~ I know they are worried and they mean well but then...~ I would like to be treated as an adult... capable of doing things on my on...~

When I reached KL, while walking to the LRT... of course part of the pathway I took reminded me of how the whole scam case started... The fear of bumping into those people returned...~ And true enough... there was one of them standing there... A chubby lady in red wearing specs holding the same lucky draw paper that I was handed 3 months ago...~ It is a different person but the operation was still on...~ I didn't bother as I knew there is nothing that can be done...~ Just hoping I don't meet a bunch of them...~ I moved on...~

In there LRT... stopping at Hang Tuah LRT station...~ Gave me nostalgic memories with BN...~ Sigh...~

Reached home... and the best part of today was... having able to have home cooked meal by mom...~ I really missed that...~ The taste of home cook meal...~ Feeling healthy and delicious...~ I was content... Maybe after all...~ There are still something for me to be here...~

Why do you have to inform me...?

Dinner buffet...!!!

Was with D and his gang for buffet dinner at Penang Times Square today...~ It was nice but a bit pricey... Have to tighten tummy for a few days to earn about RM60 to have this evening...~ Its kind of funny... Last time I do hear people saying that behind me or in front of me... Whereas I can go and have anything I want anytime before thinking...~ Now... I am just like them...~ Need to plan... Need to think... need to spend wisely and save...~

In a way, my thinking changed I guess...~ Now I can really know how people who can't afford something nice... when save and then get to it... Appreciate it even more...~ Really enjoy the nice and eat to my heart content...~ Make sure I eat a lot and not let every cent that I have paid come to a waste... Just 'hentam' everything... Last time being picky, don't go for oyster, or cockles... Today... to get every penny worth... I tried all those things and realize... Hey... they are not bad...~

Throughout the meal, things were nice... I was so full until I feel like vomiting... The food was filled to my neck...~ till halfway... Received a message from BN...~ Informing me that on 24-28 April he will be coming up...~ Just informing me so that I could take counter measure if I need to avoid him etc...~

Then my whole mood collapse... BN is coming to Penang... Why...? BN has a new lover...? Coming for honeymoon with his lover...? Coming up with colleagues...? Coming up with his housemate...? I don't know... so many questions...~ Me...? Avoid him...? Yeah...~ True... I don't want to travel back to KL... to get back memories of BN and I... I don't want to travel back to KL to bump into him and feel awkward...~ I just want to evade and stay away as far from him... To move on... to erase him off...~ Where I don't think of him for a day...~

But wherever I run...~ Currently it seems that I can't run away from my part... Even I try to avoid... In the end, it comes and find me...~

Sigh...~

In the end... went to took ice-cream... even though full...~ still had 6 scoops of ice cream...~ A way of making myself happy... Ice-cream is the way...~ I don't know why...~ but my remedy so far...~

Anyway...~ Hope I can forget that BN is coming up...~ Just let my day passed as usual...~

我還想她 (林俊傑)

I STILL MISS HIM/HER (JJ Lin)

Tears are downing me
Who should actually be sad?
Who actually gave up
This relationship?

I finally come to know
Unachievable promise
Became shackles
In reality, happiness is forever in shortage

Please tell him/her, I don't love him/her
Sadly laughing. self punishing
Want to stop all these struggles
Set my heart to say a truthful lie

Don't tell him/her, I still love him/her
Hate is always easier to put down than love
When tears blocks the chest
Let silence represent all answers

I don't love, I don't feel pain, I don't understand
My heart is already emptied
Heartfelt words are not truthful

Don't tell him/her, I still love him/her
Hate is always easier to put down than love

還是要幸福 (田馥甄)

STILL IN HAPPINESS (Hebe Tien) [translated by: meowmeow]

Don't kiss if you are unsure, feelings can too easily destroy a person
If one is not ruthless enough, when love fades away, still staying together is even more cruel than leaving

The mess you left behind, I will slowly finish clearing all of them away for you
I even sincerely hope that, eternity happens in your life first before it happens in mine

You must still lie happily ever after. Don't make another one cry again.
All your mistakes stop here with me. Leave me, and let this love forever be remembered

You must still live happily ever after. Only then can I be sure I've returned all that I've owed you.
Sure that I will no longer have a place in any part of your life. Starting from tomorrow onwards, all of this will end.

Return me your copy of my house keys. I think the next time we meet, it can be as friends.
I even sincerely hope that eternal love finds you before it finds me.

You must still live happily ever after. Don't make another one cry again.
All your mistakes stop here with me. Leave me, and let this love forever be remembered.

You must still live happily ever after. Only then can I be sure I've returned all that I've owed you.
Sure that I will no longer have a place in any part of your life. Starting tomorrow onwards, all of this will end.

You must still live happily ever after. Don't make another one cry again.
All your mistakes stop here with me. Leave me, and let this love forever be remembered.

If you live happily ever after, I wont need to reply the message I received late at night.
Because you would already have found a place for all your sorrows and joys.
And I, would also be able to, have the purest form of loneliness.
The loneliest of loneliness.

Can my life get any worse...?

Went to Tesco at about 4.50pm to draw money and get some groceries... Never planned to stay long...~

By 5.10pm I was out and walking towards my car...~ When I walked to the driver seat...~ I realize my driver window was not there...~ I was wondering if I accidentally put it down...~ Then when I unlock the car and opened the door, I realized that there were shards of glass on my seat...~

It was only then I know my car got broken into...~ The first thing was...~ I didn't know what to do...~ I felt angry... felt sad... And have no idea what I should do...~ Do I make a police report... Do I fix my window first...~ Wait...!! Check...~ check if anything was missing...~ But I realize... nothing was missing... Not even my Ipad...~ everything was there...~

I called dad...~ had a few bad news for him previously already (eg. scam case)... I don't know how to bring this news to dad some more...~ Sigh...~ But I have to...~ Dad told me to get the window fix and report to Tesco and police later...~ It was after 5pm and most stores are closed...~ I don't know where to put my car for the night... if the window can't be fixed...~ Sigh...~ I asked the shop that fixes tyres at Tesco and they agreed to help me...~The price a bit steep and it is just a normal window... Not even with UV... Sigh...~ But no choice... I just want to get my window fix... So I have a piece of mind...~

But I was charged RM190...~ >.< I feel it is a rip-off...~ Sigh...~

And now my life is like the pic above... Can it get any more worse...~Sigh...~ My life is bad enough...~ How much more lower should I go...~ Now I need to spend more money just to fix my car...~ At one point... I started giving up hope in my life...~ Things are just too hopeless for me...~

Have to wait for the window to get fixed... I have yoga class to attend to... And I have to skipped it...~ Then I bought my yogurt drinks and milks... And now it all got warmed up... I wonder what I should do with them now...~ Surely all has spoilt...~ I really want to curse those people who tried to rob my car...!! Curse them to hell...~ I know they have their hardship... but then... causing other people hardship... How is it right...~? Go work at a fast food joint or do something else... Why want to hurt other people...~

Is this punishment for breaking my promise with JC or is this just a way to pay back after escaping death from most probably a bus accident...?

Damn them...!!!

Ugly me...~

Sigh...~ I broke my promise with JC...

I did another piercing after I went for my facial...~

Sorry for the ugly pic... Had to do mask as advice from the beautician...~

My piercing was on the left hand top side of the ear...~

Did I just escape death...~

Dad told me, lucky I took the earlier bus back to Penang... If I have chosen the 3pm bus, I might have met with an accident...~

http://www.thestar.com.my/News/Nation/2014/03/18/Bus-plunges-into-deep-ravine-Driver-killed-and-two-passengers-seriously-injured/

Chances was I might have been in this bus...~ from the timing and where the bus is heading to...~

Thanks goodness...~

Waste of time...~

As predicted...~

In the end, the Chairman asked to pull back the case...~ Nothing to argue and we know it was a waste of time...~ Well...~ at least we tried and now we have a closure...~

Time to go back to Penang...~ And never in my life have I thought of looking forward to go back Penang... As if I was from Penang...~

Surprisingly when passed by the station, well...~ actually I was not concentrating where I am while in the train cause I was playing game...~ But...~ yeah...~ I manage to skip that memories of BN and I...~

Early morning while walking to the LRT station before the tribunal, mom actually questioned me...~ What am I doing to myself now...~ I am 29 years old this year and what is with the ear ring etc...~ Then mom started to talk about my cousin last time putting on ear ring and how my aunt from dad's side freaked out even though those ear ring isn't permanent but clipped on...~ Then go telling me if my aunties sees it, then my father have to answer them and we will sort of have 'no face'.

Suddenly I don't know how to reply my mom...~ I mean...~ All this while, I have been living to their expectation... being who they want me to be...~ I really have no freedom and I couldn't do things that I want because I was worry... How thing will be...~ How people see my parents in bring us up and how my aunt and uncle sees us and our family...~  That was why, I wanted to move out... to have freedom..~ To have my OWN life and to LIVE the way I want it to be..~ This is just what I want...~ I just want to be me...~

Mom was waiting for a reply why I pierce my ear...~ And I can't reply...~ I really just wanted to tell her...  I want to run my life and do what I want...~ For a long time ago...~ But I couldn't bring myself to telling it out...~ In the end, my mom said... Unless I am trying to hurt myself because of what happened recently...~ Well...~ there is some truth in it...~ And I continue to keep quiet and let it be...~ Let that answer be...~ I walked faster and cross the road to be apart from my mom a while so that she would stop talking to me...~

In front of dad, she would not say all this... but behind dad, she will start questioning and querying...~ Sometimes she said it is dad who complained to her and she has to be the bad one...~ But sometimes I doubt... is it dad...~ Or is it mom herself...~ Dad will always say do what we like...~ But I know deep inside him, there are stuff he mind...~ So... till now...~ I don't know who is the one that don't like what I am doing...~ But for the moment... I really want to live my life...~

After the tribunal...~ Was thinking of whether to take the 3.10pm bus or other buses that is earlier...~ After thinking and wanting to go back Penang faster, I opt to take the earlier bus...~

So back to Penang already...~ Feel happy finally getting out of KL...~ Tomorrow still have class on...~ Sigh...~

Great outing...~

JC and I set out early to Sunway Pyramid... A place where ice-skating memories was forged with BN here also...~ Where he had and accident and got me worries... It was fun with laughter...~ That was then...~

Anyway...~ had early breakfast...~ then we set out to walk around...~ Introduced JC to New-Zealand flavor of the day which is Kiwi Sensation...~ We walked and walked and looked at stuff that interest us...~

Manage to found an ear ring to my liking... A cross... which hangs...~ Wanted to buy it... But JC disapproved...~ We became like a couple for a moment there...~ which brings back happy memories between him and I... but this don't hurt me...~ I wonder why...~ Maybe time has passed... and these became memories...~ Someone was there to replace JC's memories and mine...~

Had lunch and then we headed back home...~ I kind of promise JC that I will buy the ear ring but no new piercing...~ But deep inside me...~ I am wondering if I should do it or not...~ I hope I can keep to this promise...~

Tomorrow will be tribunal day...~ I am still reluctant to go...~ every time on weekday... I am so scared when I take LRT to the venue, when I passed by the station where usually BN will stop for work...~ My memories will flood in back...~

Sigh...~ and double sigh...~

Going back KL...~

One thing that I hate to do now is to go back to KL...~

Due to my financial crisis and also memories in KL...~ I am really reluctant to go back... Coming Monday will be my tribunal case and after this 1 whole month I finally realize actually there is nothing to do... Only a feeling of closure that we know in the end that nothing can be done...~ This is what we (my family and I) need...~

Hop into bus at 11am...~ and headed back to KL...~ on the way back will be thinking of BN...~ and when arrived KL...~ the feeling of BN starts to creep in...~ memories and what he did...~ And what if we can be back together... was there a chance...~ etc...~

I really don't want to think of all these...~ My life is as bad as it seems already...~ Losing my money... is bad...~ In a negative state is even worse...~ and then losing my lover... my foundation...~ Someone I finally thought is 'the one' for me...~ All fell apart...~

Anyway...~ arrived at KL... went out with sister to look for a guitar for me to fill my past time...~ And guess what... I can't even afford a guitar...~ Of course...~ the salesperson who tries to sell me one is selling me high end guitar and is reluctant to show me lower price guitar...~ I gave up trying to buy from him and left...~

Didn't do much as of today in KL first day...~ At least tomorrow JC (my ex) don't mind meeting up with me and hanging out with me... Besides he has stuff to pass to me...~ And I am also owing him money for stuff that I bought...~ Sigh...~ It seems I am starting to owe money from those around me...~ Feeling sad...~

Ice-Cream Buffet...~

BC came up to Penang again... need to pay up Road Tax...~

After my class, we straight away went to Gurney Plaza and help our self with New Zealand Ice Cream... Was happy to have a company to spend time eating ice-cream...~

As usual, indulging myself in ice-cream usually make me happy and forget about the sad things... In away, even though it is fattening, but I find satisfaction...~ Now I know why people who are sad takes a lot of ice-cream...~

RM 28 per person... 1 session last for an hour only from 3-6pm, Mon-Fri...~ That one hour... I could achieve 15 scoops with 2 puffs (but the puff shared with BC cause I couldn't finish all) For once, that hour and after that I was happy...~ Real happy...~ So much ice-cream in my life...~

Sorry about the mess...~ But I was so happy accomplishing what I have done...~ :D

Why I dreamed this...??

Monday blues...~

Woke up due to alarm at 7.30am... kept on snoozing until I woke up at 8.40am...~ Class is at 9am...~

Confirm late...~ and I was lazy to get up of bed today...~ Don't feel like going for class also... Early morning already emo...~

I dreamed of something...~ It was vague...~ But I remember it clearly...~

It was BN...~

I was sitting on the ground...~ looking on the ground in front of me...~ The place was like a hall... and suddenly... BN was in front of me...~ and BN's head came nearer to me and then his lips touched mine and we kissed...~ The his hand grab mine... and I grab it tight too...~ And then I let go and left to my room...~

And then...~ I woke up...~

Why do I still have that dream... I really wonder...~ How come...~

I really try not to think about him... try not to figure out or anything...~ But still he appear in my dream...~ I really don't know what to do anymore...~ The whole day I kept on thinking why this happened...~

Why...~?

Weekend...~

BC... a friend of mine came up to Penang to visit...~

Spent 3 days here...~ Nothing much done... Manage to visit the one.fm crew at Queensbay... and went on a movie marathon for 300 and The lion men part 1... Quite a tiring weekend...~

For the first time, went up Bukit Bendera at night...~ It was still a bit hazy but then can see some stuff..~

Sigh...~ memories of BN came up suddenly while I was up there...~ Memory and thought of if we were still together up there...~ We will be holding hands... And just found out they start a chain love with locks at bukit bendera where there is an area where people can put their names and love ones and lock there to show their love...~ Even worse the feeling...~

But still trying to move on...~ Don't think... don't think anymore...~

Well, weekend passed by kind of fast...~

Just got to know that New Zealand Ice-cream has buffet on weekdays from 3-6pm... Will definitely go for it one of these days...~

New Target

Adding to my list to do...~

1. Get a Guitar to learn how to play (RM 300)
2. Get my necklace engraved (RM 15)
3. Get ear pierced (RM 15)
4. Get abs (Lol :P)
5. Clear my acne (in process)
6. Get Marimo (RM30)
7. Get little flower (Secret Garden) (RM45)
8. Get baptized

Busying myself...~

Class class class... 9am - 5pm...~

That's my life for the next one month...~

Went for Yoga/Pilates class today with Ryan...~ First time... But seriously, it was quite fun so I think I shall be committed to it...~ It was really painful as my muscle really stretched... But I also realize... Gosh...~ all this while all my muscle were so tense up...~ Many pose I couldn't do...~ and this really shows that my muscles are not really worked up all these while...~ Ding Dong...~ Knock knock...~ time to wake up and realize how unfit my body is...~ And something has to be done...~

After yoga, had dinner with Ryan and we talk about BN calling me yesterday...~ Sometimes it is nice to have someone to stand by your side and listen and give their opinions... Especially when you feel alone...~

After that... Tantart called...~ one of my heng tai...~ Long time didn't hear from him...~ Of all the heng tai... currently Lulu and I the only who are still single and doesn't have a lover yet...~ Just broke off... and I don't think anyone can replace the spot in my heart yet... Usually when I break off, I will feel emptiness in my heart... Need something to fill in so I don't feel anymore emptiness... But somehow I have been brain washing myself until my heart doesn't feel empty... it got stoned...~ and that's why no one can fill in my heart cause a hard rock is inside...~ Thus, it means... I may like someone but that someone still doesn't have a place in my heart...~

Another thing I shall do in my life and it is...~ To get baptized...! ^^ contacted Grace today but not free to meet her this two weeks so will have to wait for after two weeks to meet up and discuss about me taking up baptism...~ I want to start becoming a good Christian already... I hope...~

Actually, all this while I am not ready to get baptized because to me... Once I am... it means I am committed to the Lord... and I shall stop my old ways of life and move into the life of the light...~ But still... I am thinking twice about doing the baptism... its like going up to a temple and wanting to be a monk to leave the world behind...~ Too exaggerating...~ Don't bother me...~

Won't be blogging anytime soon cause will be spending time with a friends of mine who is coming up to Penang...~ Going to get busy until Sunday...~

Even Sunday and Monday I have plans...

Sunday, visiting a café shop and Monday, having dinner with Justin gor...~ Long time didn't keep in contact with Justin gor and I wonder how is he...~ It has been 8 years we known each other...~ And that is long...~

Take care of my heart... please...?

The last call... I hope...~

Suddenly BN started messaging me on Whatsapp... we were suddenly messaging about us...

A message from BN informing me that he don't know what I am thinking and what I want.

Informed him that I just want to move on and we both should all move on... Cause there is nothing that can be done anymore between us. I can't trust BN anymore and BN isn't willing to take the effort to make me trust him anymore. So we are at a stale mate...~

After a while, when we typed a lot, I got lazy and decided to give BN a call cause I really ant to settle it once and for all rather than clinging on this issue any longer.

I called and called but BN wouldn't picked up the phone until about 13 times, BN gave in and picked up the phone.

I asked what BN want in our relationship if we were to try and patch things up. But in the end, BN and I have different views... He sees plu friends as friends and don't mind making new friends. But for me, I prefer if my lover can shy away from other plu (as in not purposely finding a plu using any social apps)

My request is more to, we keep our current plu friends, if so happens that we have to deal with plu due to our job, I don't mind. But make sure it is just purely work related. If that guy so happen ask you out for movie and all, I will mind unless it is a group of people (like your colleagues together with him) but one to one, I am not comfortable.

For BN, he is more with all those going out with friends alone or not, plu or not. BN just say that if I am worry BN might fall for others, it will eventually happen, don't care if he sees one person or 10 persons. When it will happen, it will... For me, I prefer to prevent than having a higher chance it will occur.. So far, as I know all plu... is there any plu who really wants to be friend without benefit... I don't really know... Definitely there are but really not many... Especially those in social apps... BN also able to tell me that social apps people are mischievous... and yet he don't mind finding them for friends... It is just ironic for me.

So in the end, both of us have different wants and perspective of how we see plu and how should we treat other plu around us... So there is no wrong, no right, its just we see things differently... So its the end then... I told BN that, it is decided that it wouldn't be possible to patch up between us and it is confirmed..~

So, that time we both agreed that nothing can be done anything. And we hung up...

After that, continuously received message from BN, and got one message that BN still loves me...

Well...I don't think I can take it anymore... All I can tell BN is, If BN really love me, just let me go... And let me be happy... He still have many chances in life, knowing people, meeting people and getting to know more people..

So officially now, really letting BN go...~

But I also hope BN could have a happier life with a better person. I can say, I am not good enough.. There are good things I can give in life... But there are things I couldn't do too...~ So I am not perfect...~

All I can do now is to forget the existence of BN... I really don't want to have any memory of BN because at any time I will still remember about our past together. After all BN is one of the many ex that have a lot of impact in my life even though it is only for one year..~

Good luck BN... I really wish you all the best...~

If you like someone, let it go. If he comes back, he is your. If he doesn't, then it never was yours at all.

It's my turn... I guess...~

Have been thinking over and over and over again... Conflicting myself inside...

Every time when I think about the time BN and I had together, I feel the feeling of wanting the time he and I used to have, wanting to go back to how things used to be and wanting to get back with him for another time...

But then, I will tell myself to wake up from the dream... It's reality, Joe, wake up...!!! BN is already trying to move on, put the past out of his life and move on...

I keep telling myself every when I wake up in the morning, I have move on Joe, I have move on Joe, I can do it...~ But it is hard, it is not easy... From my side...

The only way I am countering the above feeling of wanting things to be as it is are how BN had treated me and what BN had done to me... Every time when I have that feelings I will use these feelings to counter back...

At times, I got confused of myself and started asking myself... What life is all about...~ What am I doing here and why am I suffering so much...~

BN had planned to move on or try to move on by end of last year. When BN downloaded the social apps onto BN's phone... A few things already showed that BN was slowly moving on, ie. looking for dates for movies and other activities... As usual, BN will deny BN will be doing those but then...~ I guess everyone know... What was the true motive behind...~

A couple will put they are "attached" or "in relationship" in the social apps because their partner know the other half is playing social apps but when chatting, they will deny all those while other who are attached will not write anything most probably their other half don't know...

It was surprising when I knew BN was playing the social apps, BN don't feel guilty but then took another step further by uploading pictures and continue on mixing and making new friends... No a single guilt as in, "Hey... my lover caught me, it is time to stop". On the other hand, BN updated his profile even more to continue mingling around...

So, I am dumb... Why I didn't realize this sooner...~ Let's just assume BN had make a move forward... I too... must take a bigger leap to get out of this...~

But... all in all again...~ Moving on to another side... I see emptiness... I see barren land... I see nothing... and I am afraid...~ I am tired of traveling through the desert... uncertain of my future... uncertain I will find another oasis before I run out of breath...~

So... I guess... but... is it time...?

Moving On...~

Since BN move on, I shall find my ways of moving on…~
My target for now while on financial difficulty:

1. Get a Guitar to learn how to play (RM 300)
2. Get my necklace engraved (RM 15)
3. Get ear pierced (RM 15)
4. Get abs (Lol :P)
5. Clear my acne (in process)
6. Get Marimo (RM30)
7. Get little flower (Secret Garden) (RM45)

Kind of selfish listing what I want for myself… But for the moment, I think I should pamper myself a bit…~

It's a few days just after a month

“It’s time to move on”

That’s his resolute. It is just a month after only. That was fast. And he is able to move on.
Me? Sometimes I am really wondering why I am still hanging here not willing to let go…~
It’s life. I can’t let go of life.

All my 10 years of having a p life, Being with BN was one of the happiest that couldn’t top up with both my 4 years relationship. For once, I really feel free being a p and able to do what I want and I really see a future where he and I, together, in a house living together. The future that I have always wanted.

The whole one year, the Taman Negara trip, the Sungai Lembing trip, I-City, spending time in Johor, Penang and more so, at Pantai Remis, his hometown. The happiest moment in my life was being at Pantai Remis, is the only time I can really live like I am a free p. It was fun, meeting up with his relatives and people who can accept us for who we are. No hiding, no stress everything I do in this town, I couldn’t be bothered. And better still, I have a lover that is beside me who is as carefree as me. Riding behind BN on his motorbike going around, having road blocks moving in small road going around for meals, plucking coconut and cleaning them up. All are memories that was once lived deeply in me. Being able to just be “me”. This is the life I wanted.

Having to let go in this relationship is real pain. For me to see even his name also hurts me. I tried to trust and put all I can to trust, even lying to me regarding steamboat, I over look that and try find courage to trust him, but downloading Jack’d and behind me bluffing. I am really speechless. Even after I suspect, he still have guts to play it when he is at Pantai Remis during Chinese New Year and the most pain feeling is when he says, “I never really think how you will fell” That was when I know, it is time to call it a break. How many times have I heart… “I never think how you feel” it is good enough.

Ironically, I want try forget those pains but when I see him, I feel it… But I don’t want to erase the him completely with the sweet memories because if I do, I will go back like last time. Depressed and sad looking back at all my 10 years of p life and I have achieved nothing. These are the things I have left with me… memories… that once upon a time, there used to be true love and long term relationship. If I erase all this, I think I have no belief to hold on to anymore…

As much BN wants to move on, I will feel happy. There isn’t a way I think we would be able to patch up back. I am totally lack of trust in him anymore. And he wouldn’t want to make me trust him anymore. So there is no point in trying the impossible and to give hope. But somehow, I need time. I want to try move on too… And for BN, let me help you move on easier… I will tell you this, “Just move on and find a better one, you deserve it, even if we try to patch up back again, you and me know it would be impossible. I can’t trust you and you are tired to make me trust u anymore. So it is fine, just move along and you will have another one… Good luck in your future endeavors”

I am really tired. I don’t feel I want another relationship. I think I have hurt enough and trying to mend myself every time is a painful process itself. I really want to give up, go church, get baptized and just be a good Christian… I am not trying to turn straight, just a p… but just a single p…
In this circle, I really don’t see an end, the cycle goes on and on. Guy meet guy, together a while, then another guy through some p channel and things gets mess up, bored and cheating happens, then move on. Next guy and next guy and next guy. I don’t want a next guy, I want the end guy. Was it so hard after 10 years. ‘

10 years ago mom said, “Do you want to live a life like dogs? Go around f**k-ing any dogs you see?? Is that the kind of life you want”. Sometimes I start to wonder if that sentence is true in this circle.

For now, I don’t really know what to do… Shall I push on or just give up in the feeling of love and relationship…

Quote(s) of the day

You’ve always annoyed me. You say your own selfish things and you stir up all my feelings. You’re so clingy but then you leave me and go away easily. You’re cruel. Yet, despite all that…