“It’s time to move on”
That’s his resolute. It is just a month after only. That was fast. And he is able to move on.
Me? Sometimes I am really wondering why I am still hanging here not willing to let go…~
It’s life. I can’t let go of life.
All my 10 years of having a p life, Being with BN was one of the happiest that couldn’t top up with both my 4 years relationship. For once, I really feel free being a p and able to do what I want and I really see a future where he and I, together, in a house living together. The future that I have always wanted.
The whole one year, the Taman Negara trip, the Sungai Lembing trip, I-City, spending time in Johor, Penang and more so, at Pantai Remis, his hometown. The happiest moment in my life was being at Pantai Remis, is the only time I can really live like I am a free p. It was fun, meeting up with his relatives and people who can accept us for who we are. No hiding, no stress everything I do in this town, I couldn’t be bothered. And better still, I have a lover that is beside me who is as carefree as me. Riding behind BN on his motorbike going around, having road blocks moving in small road going around for meals, plucking coconut and cleaning them up. All are memories that was once lived deeply in me. Being able to just be “me”. This is the life I wanted.
Having to let go in this relationship is real pain. For me to see even his name also hurts me. I tried to trust and put all I can to trust, even lying to me regarding steamboat, I over look that and try find courage to trust him, but downloading Jack’d and behind me bluffing. I am really speechless. Even after I suspect, he still have guts to play it when he is at Pantai Remis during Chinese New Year and the most pain feeling is when he says, “I never really think how you will fell” That was when I know, it is time to call it a break. How many times have I heart… “I never think how you feel” it is good enough.
Ironically, I want try forget those pains but when I see him, I feel it… But I don’t want to erase the him completely with the sweet memories because if I do, I will go back like last time. Depressed and sad looking back at all my 10 years of p life and I have achieved nothing. These are the things I have left with me… memories… that once upon a time, there used to be true love and long term relationship. If I erase all this, I think I have no belief to hold on to anymore…
As much BN wants to move on, I will feel happy. There isn’t a way I think we would be able to patch up back. I am totally lack of trust in him anymore. And he wouldn’t want to make me trust him anymore. So there is no point in trying the impossible and to give hope. But somehow, I need time. I want to try move on too… And for BN, let me help you move on easier… I will tell you this, “Just move on and find a better one, you deserve it, even if we try to patch up back again, you and me know it would be impossible. I can’t trust you and you are tired to make me trust u anymore. So it is fine, just move along and you will have another one… Good luck in your future endeavors”
I am really tired. I don’t feel I want another relationship. I think I have hurt enough and trying to mend myself every time is a painful process itself. I really want to give up, go church, get baptized and just be a good Christian… I am not trying to turn straight, just a p… but just a single p…
In this circle, I really don’t see an end, the cycle goes on and on. Guy meet guy, together a while, then another guy through some p channel and things gets mess up, bored and cheating happens, then move on. Next guy and next guy and next guy. I don’t want a next guy, I want the end guy. Was it so hard after 10 years. ‘
10 years ago mom said, “Do you want to live a life like dogs? Go around f**k-ing any dogs you see?? Is that the kind of life you want”. Sometimes I start to wonder if that sentence is true in this circle.
For now, I don’t really know what to do… Shall I push on or just give up in the feeling of love and relationship…
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