It's my turn... I guess...~

Have been thinking over and over and over again... Conflicting myself inside...

Every time when I think about the time BN and I had together, I feel the feeling of wanting the time he and I used to have, wanting to go back to how things used to be and wanting to get back with him for another time...

But then, I will tell myself to wake up from the dream... It's reality, Joe, wake up...!!! BN is already trying to move on, put the past out of his life and move on...

I keep telling myself every when I wake up in the morning, I have move on Joe, I have move on Joe, I can do it...~ But it is hard, it is not easy... From my side...

The only way I am countering the above feeling of wanting things to be as it is are how BN had treated me and what BN had done to me... Every time when I have that feelings I will use these feelings to counter back...

At times, I got confused of myself and started asking myself... What life is all about...~ What am I doing here and why am I suffering so much...~

BN had planned to move on or try to move on by end of last year. When BN downloaded the social apps onto BN's phone... A few things already showed that BN was slowly moving on, ie. looking for dates for movies and other activities... As usual, BN will deny BN will be doing those but then...~ I guess everyone know... What was the true motive behind...~

A couple will put they are "attached" or "in relationship" in the social apps because their partner know the other half is playing social apps but when chatting, they will deny all those while other who are attached will not write anything most probably their other half don't know...

It was surprising when I knew BN was playing the social apps, BN don't feel guilty but then took another step further by uploading pictures and continue on mixing and making new friends... No a single guilt as in, "Hey... my lover caught me, it is time to stop". On the other hand, BN updated his profile even more to continue mingling around...

So, I am dumb... Why I didn't realize this sooner...~ Let's just assume BN had make a move forward... I too... must take a bigger leap to get out of this...~

But... all in all again...~ Moving on to another side... I see emptiness... I see barren land... I see nothing... and I am afraid...~ I am tired of traveling through the desert... uncertain of my future... uncertain I will find another oasis before I run out of breath...~

So... I guess... but... is it time...?