我還想她 (林俊傑)

I STILL MISS HIM/HER (JJ Lin)

Tears are downing me
Who should actually be sad?
Who actually gave up
This relationship?

I finally come to know
Unachievable promise
Became shackles
In reality, happiness is forever in shortage

Please tell him/her, I don't love him/her
Sadly laughing. self punishing
Want to stop all these struggles
Set my heart to say a truthful lie

Don't tell him/her, I still love him/her
Hate is always easier to put down than love
When tears blocks the chest
Let silence represent all answers

I don't love, I don't feel pain, I don't understand
My heart is already emptied
Heartfelt words are not truthful

Don't tell him/her, I still love him/her
Hate is always easier to put down than love

還是要幸福 (田馥甄)

STILL IN HAPPINESS (Hebe Tien) [translated by: meowmeow]

Don't kiss if you are unsure, feelings can too easily destroy a person
If one is not ruthless enough, when love fades away, still staying together is even more cruel than leaving

The mess you left behind, I will slowly finish clearing all of them away for you
I even sincerely hope that, eternity happens in your life first before it happens in mine

You must still lie happily ever after. Don't make another one cry again.
All your mistakes stop here with me. Leave me, and let this love forever be remembered

You must still live happily ever after. Only then can I be sure I've returned all that I've owed you.
Sure that I will no longer have a place in any part of your life. Starting from tomorrow onwards, all of this will end.

Return me your copy of my house keys. I think the next time we meet, it can be as friends.
I even sincerely hope that eternal love finds you before it finds me.

You must still live happily ever after. Don't make another one cry again.
All your mistakes stop here with me. Leave me, and let this love forever be remembered.

You must still live happily ever after. Only then can I be sure I've returned all that I've owed you.
Sure that I will no longer have a place in any part of your life. Starting tomorrow onwards, all of this will end.

You must still live happily ever after. Don't make another one cry again.
All your mistakes stop here with me. Leave me, and let this love forever be remembered.

If you live happily ever after, I wont need to reply the message I received late at night.
Because you would already have found a place for all your sorrows and joys.
And I, would also be able to, have the purest form of loneliness.
The loneliest of loneliness.

Can my life get any worse...?

Went to Tesco at about 4.50pm to draw money and get some groceries... Never planned to stay long...~

By 5.10pm I was out and walking towards my car...~ When I walked to the driver seat...~ I realize my driver window was not there...~ I was wondering if I accidentally put it down...~ Then when I unlock the car and opened the door, I realized that there were shards of glass on my seat...~

It was only then I know my car got broken into...~ The first thing was...~ I didn't know what to do...~ I felt angry... felt sad... And have no idea what I should do...~ Do I make a police report... Do I fix my window first...~ Wait...!! Check...~ check if anything was missing...~ But I realize... nothing was missing... Not even my Ipad...~ everything was there...~

I called dad...~ had a few bad news for him previously already (eg. scam case)... I don't know how to bring this news to dad some more...~ Sigh...~ But I have to...~ Dad told me to get the window fix and report to Tesco and police later...~ It was after 5pm and most stores are closed...~ I don't know where to put my car for the night... if the window can't be fixed...~ Sigh...~ I asked the shop that fixes tyres at Tesco and they agreed to help me...~The price a bit steep and it is just a normal window... Not even with UV... Sigh...~ But no choice... I just want to get my window fix... So I have a piece of mind...~

But I was charged RM190...~ >.< I feel it is a rip-off...~ Sigh...~

And now my life is like the pic above... Can it get any more worse...~Sigh...~ My life is bad enough...~ How much more lower should I go...~ Now I need to spend more money just to fix my car...~ At one point... I started giving up hope in my life...~ Things are just too hopeless for me...~

Have to wait for the window to get fixed... I have yoga class to attend to... And I have to skipped it...~ Then I bought my yogurt drinks and milks... And now it all got warmed up... I wonder what I should do with them now...~ Surely all has spoilt...~ I really want to curse those people who tried to rob my car...!! Curse them to hell...~ I know they have their hardship... but then... causing other people hardship... How is it right...~? Go work at a fast food joint or do something else... Why want to hurt other people...~

Is this punishment for breaking my promise with JC or is this just a way to pay back after escaping death from most probably a bus accident...?

Damn them...!!!

Ugly me...~

Sigh...~ I broke my promise with JC...

I did another piercing after I went for my facial...~

Sorry for the ugly pic... Had to do mask as advice from the beautician...~

My piercing was on the left hand top side of the ear...~

Did I just escape death...~

Dad told me, lucky I took the earlier bus back to Penang... If I have chosen the 3pm bus, I might have met with an accident...~

http://www.thestar.com.my/News/Nation/2014/03/18/Bus-plunges-into-deep-ravine-Driver-killed-and-two-passengers-seriously-injured/

Chances was I might have been in this bus...~ from the timing and where the bus is heading to...~

Thanks goodness...~

Waste of time...~

As predicted...~

In the end, the Chairman asked to pull back the case...~ Nothing to argue and we know it was a waste of time...~ Well...~ at least we tried and now we have a closure...~

Time to go back to Penang...~ And never in my life have I thought of looking forward to go back Penang... As if I was from Penang...~

Surprisingly when passed by the station, well...~ actually I was not concentrating where I am while in the train cause I was playing game...~ But...~ yeah...~ I manage to skip that memories of BN and I...~

Early morning while walking to the LRT station before the tribunal, mom actually questioned me...~ What am I doing to myself now...~ I am 29 years old this year and what is with the ear ring etc...~ Then mom started to talk about my cousin last time putting on ear ring and how my aunt from dad's side freaked out even though those ear ring isn't permanent but clipped on...~ Then go telling me if my aunties sees it, then my father have to answer them and we will sort of have 'no face'.

Suddenly I don't know how to reply my mom...~ I mean...~ All this while, I have been living to their expectation... being who they want me to be...~ I really have no freedom and I couldn't do things that I want because I was worry... How thing will be...~ How people see my parents in bring us up and how my aunt and uncle sees us and our family...~  That was why, I wanted to move out... to have freedom..~ To have my OWN life and to LIVE the way I want it to be..~ This is just what I want...~ I just want to be me...~

Mom was waiting for a reply why I pierce my ear...~ And I can't reply...~ I really just wanted to tell her...  I want to run my life and do what I want...~ For a long time ago...~ But I couldn't bring myself to telling it out...~ In the end, my mom said... Unless I am trying to hurt myself because of what happened recently...~ Well...~ there is some truth in it...~ And I continue to keep quiet and let it be...~ Let that answer be...~ I walked faster and cross the road to be apart from my mom a while so that she would stop talking to me...~

In front of dad, she would not say all this... but behind dad, she will start questioning and querying...~ Sometimes she said it is dad who complained to her and she has to be the bad one...~ But sometimes I doubt... is it dad...~ Or is it mom herself...~ Dad will always say do what we like...~ But I know deep inside him, there are stuff he mind...~ So... till now...~ I don't know who is the one that don't like what I am doing...~ But for the moment... I really want to live my life...~

After the tribunal...~ Was thinking of whether to take the 3.10pm bus or other buses that is earlier...~ After thinking and wanting to go back Penang faster, I opt to take the earlier bus...~

So back to Penang already...~ Feel happy finally getting out of KL...~ Tomorrow still have class on...~ Sigh...~

Great outing...~

JC and I set out early to Sunway Pyramid... A place where ice-skating memories was forged with BN here also...~ Where he had and accident and got me worries... It was fun with laughter...~ That was then...~

Anyway...~ had early breakfast...~ then we set out to walk around...~ Introduced JC to New-Zealand flavor of the day which is Kiwi Sensation...~ We walked and walked and looked at stuff that interest us...~

Manage to found an ear ring to my liking... A cross... which hangs...~ Wanted to buy it... But JC disapproved...~ We became like a couple for a moment there...~ which brings back happy memories between him and I... but this don't hurt me...~ I wonder why...~ Maybe time has passed... and these became memories...~ Someone was there to replace JC's memories and mine...~

Had lunch and then we headed back home...~ I kind of promise JC that I will buy the ear ring but no new piercing...~ But deep inside me...~ I am wondering if I should do it or not...~ I hope I can keep to this promise...~

Tomorrow will be tribunal day...~ I am still reluctant to go...~ every time on weekday... I am so scared when I take LRT to the venue, when I passed by the station where usually BN will stop for work...~ My memories will flood in back...~

Sigh...~ and double sigh...~

Going back KL...~

One thing that I hate to do now is to go back to KL...~

Due to my financial crisis and also memories in KL...~ I am really reluctant to go back... Coming Monday will be my tribunal case and after this 1 whole month I finally realize actually there is nothing to do... Only a feeling of closure that we know in the end that nothing can be done...~ This is what we (my family and I) need...~

Hop into bus at 11am...~ and headed back to KL...~ on the way back will be thinking of BN...~ and when arrived KL...~ the feeling of BN starts to creep in...~ memories and what he did...~ And what if we can be back together... was there a chance...~ etc...~

I really don't want to think of all these...~ My life is as bad as it seems already...~ Losing my money... is bad...~ In a negative state is even worse...~ and then losing my lover... my foundation...~ Someone I finally thought is 'the one' for me...~ All fell apart...~

Anyway...~ arrived at KL... went out with sister to look for a guitar for me to fill my past time...~ And guess what... I can't even afford a guitar...~ Of course...~ the salesperson who tries to sell me one is selling me high end guitar and is reluctant to show me lower price guitar...~ I gave up trying to buy from him and left...~

Didn't do much as of today in KL first day...~ At least tomorrow JC (my ex) don't mind meeting up with me and hanging out with me... Besides he has stuff to pass to me...~ And I am also owing him money for stuff that I bought...~ Sigh...~ It seems I am starting to owe money from those around me...~ Feeling sad...~

Ice-Cream Buffet...~

BC came up to Penang again... need to pay up Road Tax...~

After my class, we straight away went to Gurney Plaza and help our self with New Zealand Ice Cream... Was happy to have a company to spend time eating ice-cream...~

As usual, indulging myself in ice-cream usually make me happy and forget about the sad things... In away, even though it is fattening, but I find satisfaction...~ Now I know why people who are sad takes a lot of ice-cream...~

RM 28 per person... 1 session last for an hour only from 3-6pm, Mon-Fri...~ That one hour... I could achieve 15 scoops with 2 puffs (but the puff shared with BC cause I couldn't finish all) For once, that hour and after that I was happy...~ Real happy...~ So much ice-cream in my life...~

Sorry about the mess...~ But I was so happy accomplishing what I have done...~ :D

Why I dreamed this...??

Monday blues...~

Woke up due to alarm at 7.30am... kept on snoozing until I woke up at 8.40am...~ Class is at 9am...~

Confirm late...~ and I was lazy to get up of bed today...~ Don't feel like going for class also... Early morning already emo...~

I dreamed of something...~ It was vague...~ But I remember it clearly...~

It was BN...~

I was sitting on the ground...~ looking on the ground in front of me...~ The place was like a hall... and suddenly... BN was in front of me...~ and BN's head came nearer to me and then his lips touched mine and we kissed...~ The his hand grab mine... and I grab it tight too...~ And then I let go and left to my room...~

And then...~ I woke up...~

Why do I still have that dream... I really wonder...~ How come...~

I really try not to think about him... try not to figure out or anything...~ But still he appear in my dream...~ I really don't know what to do anymore...~ The whole day I kept on thinking why this happened...~

Why...~?

Weekend...~

BC... a friend of mine came up to Penang to visit...~

Spent 3 days here...~ Nothing much done... Manage to visit the one.fm crew at Queensbay... and went on a movie marathon for 300 and The lion men part 1... Quite a tiring weekend...~

For the first time, went up Bukit Bendera at night...~ It was still a bit hazy but then can see some stuff..~

Sigh...~ memories of BN came up suddenly while I was up there...~ Memory and thought of if we were still together up there...~ We will be holding hands... And just found out they start a chain love with locks at bukit bendera where there is an area where people can put their names and love ones and lock there to show their love...~ Even worse the feeling...~

But still trying to move on...~ Don't think... don't think anymore...~

Well, weekend passed by kind of fast...~

Just got to know that New Zealand Ice-cream has buffet on weekdays from 3-6pm... Will definitely go for it one of these days...~

New Target

Adding to my list to do...~

1. Get a Guitar to learn how to play (RM 300)
2. Get my necklace engraved (RM 15)
3. Get ear pierced (RM 15)
4. Get abs (Lol :P)
5. Clear my acne (in process)
6. Get Marimo (RM30)
7. Get little flower (Secret Garden) (RM45)
8. Get baptized

Busying myself...~

Class class class... 9am - 5pm...~

That's my life for the next one month...~

Went for Yoga/Pilates class today with Ryan...~ First time... But seriously, it was quite fun so I think I shall be committed to it...~ It was really painful as my muscle really stretched... But I also realize... Gosh...~ all this while all my muscle were so tense up...~ Many pose I couldn't do...~ and this really shows that my muscles are not really worked up all these while...~ Ding Dong...~ Knock knock...~ time to wake up and realize how unfit my body is...~ And something has to be done...~

After yoga, had dinner with Ryan and we talk about BN calling me yesterday...~ Sometimes it is nice to have someone to stand by your side and listen and give their opinions... Especially when you feel alone...~

After that... Tantart called...~ one of my heng tai...~ Long time didn't hear from him...~ Of all the heng tai... currently Lulu and I the only who are still single and doesn't have a lover yet...~ Just broke off... and I don't think anyone can replace the spot in my heart yet... Usually when I break off, I will feel emptiness in my heart... Need something to fill in so I don't feel anymore emptiness... But somehow I have been brain washing myself until my heart doesn't feel empty... it got stoned...~ and that's why no one can fill in my heart cause a hard rock is inside...~ Thus, it means... I may like someone but that someone still doesn't have a place in my heart...~

Another thing I shall do in my life and it is...~ To get baptized...! ^^ contacted Grace today but not free to meet her this two weeks so will have to wait for after two weeks to meet up and discuss about me taking up baptism...~ I want to start becoming a good Christian already... I hope...~

Actually, all this while I am not ready to get baptized because to me... Once I am... it means I am committed to the Lord... and I shall stop my old ways of life and move into the life of the light...~ But still... I am thinking twice about doing the baptism... its like going up to a temple and wanting to be a monk to leave the world behind...~ Too exaggerating...~ Don't bother me...~

Won't be blogging anytime soon cause will be spending time with a friends of mine who is coming up to Penang...~ Going to get busy until Sunday...~

Even Sunday and Monday I have plans...

Sunday, visiting a café shop and Monday, having dinner with Justin gor...~ Long time didn't keep in contact with Justin gor and I wonder how is he...~ It has been 8 years we known each other...~ And that is long...~

Take care of my heart... please...?

The last call... I hope...~

Suddenly BN started messaging me on Whatsapp... we were suddenly messaging about us...

A message from BN informing me that he don't know what I am thinking and what I want.

Informed him that I just want to move on and we both should all move on... Cause there is nothing that can be done anymore between us. I can't trust BN anymore and BN isn't willing to take the effort to make me trust him anymore. So we are at a stale mate...~

After a while, when we typed a lot, I got lazy and decided to give BN a call cause I really ant to settle it once and for all rather than clinging on this issue any longer.

I called and called but BN wouldn't picked up the phone until about 13 times, BN gave in and picked up the phone.

I asked what BN want in our relationship if we were to try and patch things up. But in the end, BN and I have different views... He sees plu friends as friends and don't mind making new friends. But for me, I prefer if my lover can shy away from other plu (as in not purposely finding a plu using any social apps)

My request is more to, we keep our current plu friends, if so happens that we have to deal with plu due to our job, I don't mind. But make sure it is just purely work related. If that guy so happen ask you out for movie and all, I will mind unless it is a group of people (like your colleagues together with him) but one to one, I am not comfortable.

For BN, he is more with all those going out with friends alone or not, plu or not. BN just say that if I am worry BN might fall for others, it will eventually happen, don't care if he sees one person or 10 persons. When it will happen, it will... For me, I prefer to prevent than having a higher chance it will occur.. So far, as I know all plu... is there any plu who really wants to be friend without benefit... I don't really know... Definitely there are but really not many... Especially those in social apps... BN also able to tell me that social apps people are mischievous... and yet he don't mind finding them for friends... It is just ironic for me.

So in the end, both of us have different wants and perspective of how we see plu and how should we treat other plu around us... So there is no wrong, no right, its just we see things differently... So its the end then... I told BN that, it is decided that it wouldn't be possible to patch up between us and it is confirmed..~

So, that time we both agreed that nothing can be done anything. And we hung up...

After that, continuously received message from BN, and got one message that BN still loves me...

Well...I don't think I can take it anymore... All I can tell BN is, If BN really love me, just let me go... And let me be happy... He still have many chances in life, knowing people, meeting people and getting to know more people..

So officially now, really letting BN go...~

But I also hope BN could have a happier life with a better person. I can say, I am not good enough.. There are good things I can give in life... But there are things I couldn't do too...~ So I am not perfect...~

All I can do now is to forget the existence of BN... I really don't want to have any memory of BN because at any time I will still remember about our past together. After all BN is one of the many ex that have a lot of impact in my life even though it is only for one year..~

Good luck BN... I really wish you all the best...~

If you like someone, let it go. If he comes back, he is your. If he doesn't, then it never was yours at all.

It's my turn... I guess...~

Have been thinking over and over and over again... Conflicting myself inside...

Every time when I think about the time BN and I had together, I feel the feeling of wanting the time he and I used to have, wanting to go back to how things used to be and wanting to get back with him for another time...

But then, I will tell myself to wake up from the dream... It's reality, Joe, wake up...!!! BN is already trying to move on, put the past out of his life and move on...

I keep telling myself every when I wake up in the morning, I have move on Joe, I have move on Joe, I can do it...~ But it is hard, it is not easy... From my side...

The only way I am countering the above feeling of wanting things to be as it is are how BN had treated me and what BN had done to me... Every time when I have that feelings I will use these feelings to counter back...

At times, I got confused of myself and started asking myself... What life is all about...~ What am I doing here and why am I suffering so much...~

BN had planned to move on or try to move on by end of last year. When BN downloaded the social apps onto BN's phone... A few things already showed that BN was slowly moving on, ie. looking for dates for movies and other activities... As usual, BN will deny BN will be doing those but then...~ I guess everyone know... What was the true motive behind...~

A couple will put they are "attached" or "in relationship" in the social apps because their partner know the other half is playing social apps but when chatting, they will deny all those while other who are attached will not write anything most probably their other half don't know...

It was surprising when I knew BN was playing the social apps, BN don't feel guilty but then took another step further by uploading pictures and continue on mixing and making new friends... No a single guilt as in, "Hey... my lover caught me, it is time to stop". On the other hand, BN updated his profile even more to continue mingling around...

So, I am dumb... Why I didn't realize this sooner...~ Let's just assume BN had make a move forward... I too... must take a bigger leap to get out of this...~

But... all in all again...~ Moving on to another side... I see emptiness... I see barren land... I see nothing... and I am afraid...~ I am tired of traveling through the desert... uncertain of my future... uncertain I will find another oasis before I run out of breath...~

So... I guess... but... is it time...?

Moving On...~

Since BN move on, I shall find my ways of moving on…~
My target for now while on financial difficulty:

1. Get a Guitar to learn how to play (RM 300)
2. Get my necklace engraved (RM 15)
3. Get ear pierced (RM 15)
4. Get abs (Lol :P)
5. Clear my acne (in process)
6. Get Marimo (RM30)
7. Get little flower (Secret Garden) (RM45)

Kind of selfish listing what I want for myself… But for the moment, I think I should pamper myself a bit…~

It's a few days just after a month

“It’s time to move on”

That’s his resolute. It is just a month after only. That was fast. And he is able to move on.
Me? Sometimes I am really wondering why I am still hanging here not willing to let go…~
It’s life. I can’t let go of life.

All my 10 years of having a p life, Being with BN was one of the happiest that couldn’t top up with both my 4 years relationship. For once, I really feel free being a p and able to do what I want and I really see a future where he and I, together, in a house living together. The future that I have always wanted.

The whole one year, the Taman Negara trip, the Sungai Lembing trip, I-City, spending time in Johor, Penang and more so, at Pantai Remis, his hometown. The happiest moment in my life was being at Pantai Remis, is the only time I can really live like I am a free p. It was fun, meeting up with his relatives and people who can accept us for who we are. No hiding, no stress everything I do in this town, I couldn’t be bothered. And better still, I have a lover that is beside me who is as carefree as me. Riding behind BN on his motorbike going around, having road blocks moving in small road going around for meals, plucking coconut and cleaning them up. All are memories that was once lived deeply in me. Being able to just be “me”. This is the life I wanted.

Having to let go in this relationship is real pain. For me to see even his name also hurts me. I tried to trust and put all I can to trust, even lying to me regarding steamboat, I over look that and try find courage to trust him, but downloading Jack’d and behind me bluffing. I am really speechless. Even after I suspect, he still have guts to play it when he is at Pantai Remis during Chinese New Year and the most pain feeling is when he says, “I never really think how you will fell” That was when I know, it is time to call it a break. How many times have I heart… “I never think how you feel” it is good enough.

Ironically, I want try forget those pains but when I see him, I feel it… But I don’t want to erase the him completely with the sweet memories because if I do, I will go back like last time. Depressed and sad looking back at all my 10 years of p life and I have achieved nothing. These are the things I have left with me… memories… that once upon a time, there used to be true love and long term relationship. If I erase all this, I think I have no belief to hold on to anymore…

As much BN wants to move on, I will feel happy. There isn’t a way I think we would be able to patch up back. I am totally lack of trust in him anymore. And he wouldn’t want to make me trust him anymore. So there is no point in trying the impossible and to give hope. But somehow, I need time. I want to try move on too… And for BN, let me help you move on easier… I will tell you this, “Just move on and find a better one, you deserve it, even if we try to patch up back again, you and me know it would be impossible. I can’t trust you and you are tired to make me trust u anymore. So it is fine, just move along and you will have another one… Good luck in your future endeavors”

I am really tired. I don’t feel I want another relationship. I think I have hurt enough and trying to mend myself every time is a painful process itself. I really want to give up, go church, get baptized and just be a good Christian… I am not trying to turn straight, just a p… but just a single p…
In this circle, I really don’t see an end, the cycle goes on and on. Guy meet guy, together a while, then another guy through some p channel and things gets mess up, bored and cheating happens, then move on. Next guy and next guy and next guy. I don’t want a next guy, I want the end guy. Was it so hard after 10 years. ‘

10 years ago mom said, “Do you want to live a life like dogs? Go around f**k-ing any dogs you see?? Is that the kind of life you want”. Sometimes I start to wonder if that sentence is true in this circle.

For now, I don’t really know what to do… Shall I push on or just give up in the feeling of love and relationship…

Quote(s) of the day

You’ve always annoyed me. You say your own selfish things and you stir up all my feelings. You’re so clingy but then you leave me and go away easily. You’re cruel. Yet, despite all that…