Sunday, April 27, 2014
Felt like a fool... When I am going to wake up...???
Recently knew a new guy... Going to just name him EL...~ About a week ago was our first meeting and is as though I thought we both have some chemistry... As the week past, we spend some time with each other and my feelings for him grew suddenly... Well... I thought I found BN replacement suddenly... We were from same work environment... Have some goal and things to accomplish in life... Things just seemed to fall in for both of us...~ Well... maybe for me...~
To be realistic... In about a few months I will depart back to KL... distance will be a problem for he and I... so this would pose a problem.. EL did say let's see how and move things slowly... I agree... but I think I move on too fast...~ Maybe he was sort of ideal...~ I start to dump my load in this boat and try to sail it...~
I think I was wrong...~ maybe EL isn't the guy I think could be with me...~ Well, of course EL claimed to stopped using social apps but of course EL still has his current p friends. So he got every right to go out with them... Yesterday morning, EL planned to have breakfast with me but EL got up late and I have class, so EL has to have his own breakfast and he went out with another p... So last minute but so fast EL can get another p friend as back up...~ Haha...~
Today... EL worked again... Was thinking of finding EL for lunch but then...~ Didn't got a reply...~ In the evening, got in touched with him... And then suddenly got a message from him that EL is going out dinner with friend... I don't mean to pry... but then I ask also...~ and I asked... Hoping I am not right... But I was...~ EL said it was a p...~ Having dinner near USM area...~
Sigh...~ EL has the time but rather have dinner with another p... Most probably maximizing his time that he could spend with ppl... Keeping a balance... This is what I am trying to think to reason up...~ But well...~ to make myself feel better...~ But then, that guy was the same guy as yesterday...~ Well... maybe need to meet more than once... a bit too much...~ Most likely got something else I think...~ Most likely EL actually have a few guys in mind and now is just trying to make up his mind...~ If is so... should I put effort...??
But who am I joking...~ Wake up fansu...~ Wake up...~ Yeah... I felt hurt a bit... and I think I will back off now... Haha...~ Feel like laughing and crying at the same time...~ I think I am still childish...~ Still haven't learn...~ Walk away fansu... walk away before you hurt yourself again...~
On the other hand...~ It seems like I can move on from BN..~ And now I wonder...~ Eh...?~ Is this the sign I can move on...? But then... this now I know BN is somewhere in Penang and I am still scare to face him...~ I wonder why...~ Maybe I still can't move on in the end...~ When EL is with me...~ I do still of BN... >.<...~ I think I still can't escape...~
But anyhow...~ I think its time for me to stop this between EL and I...~ I came across a guy's saying and I find it so true...~ and I shall quote by Tristan Tan
"P life is like the entertainment industry. Appearance is everything. Realistic in every single way. Everyone is working so hard in the gym and getting suntanned apart from having great hairstyles, branded colourful clothes and shoes. Expensive skin care products are a must to look great, to the max.
We know each other and some are even in the FB friend list but we never really talk or greet. Some gossip and spread rumours while some can't wait to see you fall.
Deep down, everyone is waiting for his Prince Charming but we have been hurt before. We hope to move on but we are afraid to fall in love in this hopeless place. Ended up everyone seeks for fun. Frequently the guy you sleep with sleep with your friends before. Or you might hear of new practice of open relationship that chill with 3p, 4p, 5p or even more. Complicated love affair that involved many people is nothing special but too common.
I'm tired repeating over the same routine. Fed up with all the endless attitudes that kill. Don't you feel the same?"
Yeah...~ I feel the same..~ so what am I to do...~ Let it go I guess...~
To be realistic... In about a few months I will depart back to KL... distance will be a problem for he and I... so this would pose a problem.. EL did say let's see how and move things slowly... I agree... but I think I move on too fast...~ Maybe he was sort of ideal...~ I start to dump my load in this boat and try to sail it...~
I think I was wrong...~ maybe EL isn't the guy I think could be with me...~ Well, of course EL claimed to stopped using social apps but of course EL still has his current p friends. So he got every right to go out with them... Yesterday morning, EL planned to have breakfast with me but EL got up late and I have class, so EL has to have his own breakfast and he went out with another p... So last minute but so fast EL can get another p friend as back up...~ Haha...~
Today... EL worked again... Was thinking of finding EL for lunch but then...~ Didn't got a reply...~ In the evening, got in touched with him... And then suddenly got a message from him that EL is going out dinner with friend... I don't mean to pry... but then I ask also...~ and I asked... Hoping I am not right... But I was...~ EL said it was a p...~ Having dinner near USM area...~
Sigh...~ EL has the time but rather have dinner with another p... Most probably maximizing his time that he could spend with ppl... Keeping a balance... This is what I am trying to think to reason up...~ But well...~ to make myself feel better...~ But then, that guy was the same guy as yesterday...~ Well... maybe need to meet more than once... a bit too much...~ Most likely got something else I think...~ Most likely EL actually have a few guys in mind and now is just trying to make up his mind...~ If is so... should I put effort...??
But who am I joking...~ Wake up fansu...~ Wake up...~ Yeah... I felt hurt a bit... and I think I will back off now... Haha...~ Feel like laughing and crying at the same time...~ I think I am still childish...~ Still haven't learn...~ Walk away fansu... walk away before you hurt yourself again...~
On the other hand...~ It seems like I can move on from BN..~ And now I wonder...~ Eh...?~ Is this the sign I can move on...? But then... this now I know BN is somewhere in Penang and I am still scare to face him...~ I wonder why...~ Maybe I still can't move on in the end...~ When EL is with me...~ I do still of BN... >.<...~ I think I still can't escape...~
But anyhow...~ I think its time for me to stop this between EL and I...~ I came across a guy's saying and I find it so true...~ and I shall quote by Tristan Tan
"P life is like the entertainment industry. Appearance is everything. Realistic in every single way. Everyone is working so hard in the gym and getting suntanned apart from having great hairstyles, branded colourful clothes and shoes. Expensive skin care products are a must to look great, to the max.
We know each other and some are even in the FB friend list but we never really talk or greet. Some gossip and spread rumours while some can't wait to see you fall.
Deep down, everyone is waiting for his Prince Charming but we have been hurt before. We hope to move on but we are afraid to fall in love in this hopeless place. Ended up everyone seeks for fun. Frequently the guy you sleep with sleep with your friends before. Or you might hear of new practice of open relationship that chill with 3p, 4p, 5p or even more. Complicated love affair that involved many people is nothing special but too common.
I'm tired repeating over the same routine. Fed up with all the endless attitudes that kill. Don't you feel the same?"
Yeah...~ I feel the same..~ so what am I to do...~ Let it go I guess...~
Thursday, April 17, 2014
全民寶貝Kimberley陳芳語《分手說愛你》 Official MV (HD)
BREAK UP SAYING I LOVE YOU (Kimberley Chen)
Embracing the love, wanting to be spoiled by you
This kind of special romance
I've never thought of leaving behind, used to have your company.
But why when we reach the end, both of us are at different rhythm
In our conversation all that is left is helplessness
Our relationship has became awkward
More and more politely we treat each other
When we stop singing for love and wave away the dream that we agreed on
The hand that I used to depend on is no longer gentle, what more could I want
I've never thought of being free
The simplicity of living alone
May be relaxing or may be lonely
How I wish I can be moved by love
Happiness is replaced with blank white
The colourfulness of the future is not worth anticipating
"We are still good friends", these are all excuses
Don't say comforting words
Why don't we keep the silence after leaving, don't look back
When we stop singing for love and wave away the dream that we agreed on
The hand that I used to depend on is no longer gentle, what more could I want
I've never thought of being free
The simplicity of living alone
May be relaxing or may be lonely
How I wish I can be moved by love
Happiness is replaced with blank white
The colorfulness of the future is not worth anticipating
Who was it that loved too strongly, forgetting to treasure what we had
After loss we finally understand the right to bravery, how it makes people feel unwilling to let go
I've never thought of being free (Cause baby I don't want freedom)
The simplicity of living alone
May be relaxing or may be lonely
How I wish I can be moved by love
Happiness is replaced with blank white
The colorfulness of the future is not worth anticipating
Cause baby you're so alone
Why can't I move on...?
Went out with BA for a movie just now... Well, we've been knowing each other for about a month... And it was fun and nice...~ To have a company and sort of like a BFF...~ We started very well and have many things in common...~ Sort of like my mirror image... In a way... an ideal image of a lover...~
Recently, things feel a bit different between BA and me...~ I think i sort of change and feel uncomfortable...~ Recently BA been calling me sweet name like babe... Yesterday during lunch he started to *pat* *pat* my head...~ I just kept quiet but it was awkward...~ This is just so like my ex doing... JC...~ Did he manage to get hold of my previous blog...? But to me...~ I don't want another JC moment...~
In the car just now, BA voice out that he suspected I have another in my life and might have a relationship with someone else...~ I myself think it is funny...~ As I don't think I could have one... I mean... So far among so many guys, BA seemed to be closest to me...~
Until today, there is still something holding me back from relationship...~ What I can type here might seems to be a reason but then... For me... it is the reason why I don't think I can commit myself...~
I am OCD... no one has seen it yet besides my lover... I am possessive... I feel insecure... I don't trust anyone...~ That is my problem...~ If i fall deep for someone... This traits of mine will appear...~ As long I don't fall in love....~ There is no problem...~ Everyone will be happy...~ No stress...~ So it seems like I am happy being single...~ Trust in LTR...? In eternity...? In plu love...~ I don't know...~
Last time in relationship... I have to worry what my lover is doing... Is he cheating on me...~ Sometimes I am even scare to check them for I am scare of the things I might find out while checking...~ If I close one eye... then my heart won't feel good...~ And I start to be paranoid...~ SO either way for me... it is still a burden to me...~ Always worrying... not trusting...~ I don't know why I can't trust my lovers... I really wonder is it because of my past experience of my ex...
Could the walls around me come crumbling down? So that I can leave this prison and step into the open air...~
Recently, things feel a bit different between BA and me...~ I think i sort of change and feel uncomfortable...~ Recently BA been calling me sweet name like babe... Yesterday during lunch he started to *pat* *pat* my head...~ I just kept quiet but it was awkward...~ This is just so like my ex doing... JC...~ Did he manage to get hold of my previous blog...? But to me...~ I don't want another JC moment...~
In the car just now, BA voice out that he suspected I have another in my life and might have a relationship with someone else...~ I myself think it is funny...~ As I don't think I could have one... I mean... So far among so many guys, BA seemed to be closest to me...~
Until today, there is still something holding me back from relationship...~ What I can type here might seems to be a reason but then... For me... it is the reason why I don't think I can commit myself...~
- Tired and scared of relationship I guess...~ To be able to understand and accept another person for who they are...
- I am an OCD person...~ Paranoid... Can't trust people...~ Believe all that I know is right...~
- Some part of my ex (BN) is still holding me back...~ Not that I like him or want to be back to him...~ But the things he said is quite true... He has been good so far trying to accommodate to me so far... And he did say that if he can't stand me... he guess no one else can stand me...~ "I really cannot be saved already... and he feels sad he couldn't help me"
I am OCD... no one has seen it yet besides my lover... I am possessive... I feel insecure... I don't trust anyone...~ That is my problem...~ If i fall deep for someone... This traits of mine will appear...~ As long I don't fall in love....~ There is no problem...~ Everyone will be happy...~ No stress...~ So it seems like I am happy being single...~ Trust in LTR...? In eternity...? In plu love...~ I don't know...~
Last time in relationship... I have to worry what my lover is doing... Is he cheating on me...~ Sometimes I am even scare to check them for I am scare of the things I might find out while checking...~ If I close one eye... then my heart won't feel good...~ And I start to be paranoid...~ SO either way for me... it is still a burden to me...~ Always worrying... not trusting...~ I don't know why I can't trust my lovers... I really wonder is it because of my past experience of my ex...
Could the walls around me come crumbling down? So that I can leave this prison and step into the open air...~
Friday, April 11, 2014
I shouldn't be here... I don't want to be here...~
Going back to KL today... Main reason is for my beloved guitar...~ I am dying to get my guitar and enjoy music like how I used to do...~ The only thing that I can express out my feelings is usually through musical instrument... It is like, they are my true friends where I can let them know anything about me while not holding back...
Bought a last minute ticket but still able to get a good seat... Bus was almost full...~ Halfway getting home, received a message from mom informing me to remove of all the ear ring that I had... Grandma is around the house...~ So mom hope I can remove them in order to save her the humiliation of explaining how come her son, a guy is wearing ear ring...~ Have to oblige... remove...~
I don't like coming back KL... there isn't any freedom... isn't anything left for me here...~ I want to run away from a place where I once call it home...~ The scam, my ex and family...~ I am not who I am currently when I am in KL...~ I can't be who I am...~ I can't express out my feelings here...~ Life here couldn't move the way that I want...~ It's like a bird sitting in a cage...~
After the scam, dad treated me like a small kid, needing to wait for me at the bus stop when I arrived and sending me away from the bus stop...~ Today, I informed him that I would like to go back to the house on my own...~ I am not a puppy or a pet who doesn't know his way home...~ I know they are worried and they mean well but then...~ I would like to be treated as an adult... capable of doing things on my on...~
When I reached KL, while walking to the LRT... of course part of the pathway I took reminded me of how the whole scam case started... The fear of bumping into those people returned...~ And true enough... there was one of them standing there... A chubby lady in red wearing specs holding the same lucky draw paper that I was handed 3 months ago...~ It is a different person but the operation was still on...~ I didn't bother as I knew there is nothing that can be done...~ Just hoping I don't meet a bunch of them...~ I moved on...~
In there LRT... stopping at Hang Tuah LRT station...~ Gave me nostalgic memories with BN...~ Sigh...~
Reached home... and the best part of today was... having able to have home cooked meal by mom...~ I really missed that...~ The taste of home cook meal...~ Feeling healthy and delicious...~ I was content... Maybe after all...~ There are still something for me to be here...~
Bought a last minute ticket but still able to get a good seat... Bus was almost full...~ Halfway getting home, received a message from mom informing me to remove of all the ear ring that I had... Grandma is around the house...~ So mom hope I can remove them in order to save her the humiliation of explaining how come her son, a guy is wearing ear ring...~ Have to oblige... remove...~
I don't like coming back KL... there isn't any freedom... isn't anything left for me here...~ I want to run away from a place where I once call it home...~ The scam, my ex and family...~ I am not who I am currently when I am in KL...~ I can't be who I am...~ I can't express out my feelings here...~ Life here couldn't move the way that I want...~ It's like a bird sitting in a cage...~
After the scam, dad treated me like a small kid, needing to wait for me at the bus stop when I arrived and sending me away from the bus stop...~ Today, I informed him that I would like to go back to the house on my own...~ I am not a puppy or a pet who doesn't know his way home...~ I know they are worried and they mean well but then...~ I would like to be treated as an adult... capable of doing things on my on...~
When I reached KL, while walking to the LRT... of course part of the pathway I took reminded me of how the whole scam case started... The fear of bumping into those people returned...~ And true enough... there was one of them standing there... A chubby lady in red wearing specs holding the same lucky draw paper that I was handed 3 months ago...~ It is a different person but the operation was still on...~ I didn't bother as I knew there is nothing that can be done...~ Just hoping I don't meet a bunch of them...~ I moved on...~
In there LRT... stopping at Hang Tuah LRT station...~ Gave me nostalgic memories with BN...~ Sigh...~
Reached home... and the best part of today was... having able to have home cooked meal by mom...~ I really missed that...~ The taste of home cook meal...~ Feeling healthy and delicious...~ I was content... Maybe after all...~ There are still something for me to be here...~
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Why do you have to inform me...?
Dinner buffet...!!!
Was with D and his gang for buffet dinner at Penang Times Square today...~ It was nice but a bit pricey... Have to tighten tummy for a few days to earn about RM60 to have this evening...~ Its kind of funny... Last time I do hear people saying that behind me or in front of me... Whereas I can go and have anything I want anytime before thinking...~ Now... I am just like them...~ Need to plan... Need to think... need to spend wisely and save...~
In a way, my thinking changed I guess...~ Now I can really know how people who can't afford something nice... when save and then get to it... Appreciate it even more...~ Really enjoy the nice and eat to my heart content...~ Make sure I eat a lot and not let every cent that I have paid come to a waste... Just 'hentam' everything... Last time being picky, don't go for oyster, or cockles... Today... to get every penny worth... I tried all those things and realize... Hey... they are not bad...~
Throughout the meal, things were nice... I was so full until I feel like vomiting... The food was filled to my neck...~ till halfway... Received a message from BN...~ Informing me that on 24-28 April he will be coming up...~ Just informing me so that I could take counter measure if I need to avoid him etc...~
Then my whole mood collapse... BN is coming to Penang... Why...? BN has a new lover...? Coming for honeymoon with his lover...? Coming up with colleagues...? Coming up with his housemate...? I don't know... so many questions...~ Me...? Avoid him...? Yeah...~ True... I don't want to travel back to KL... to get back memories of BN and I... I don't want to travel back to KL to bump into him and feel awkward...~ I just want to evade and stay away as far from him... To move on... to erase him off...~ Where I don't think of him for a day...~
But wherever I run...~ Currently it seems that I can't run away from my part... Even I try to avoid... In the end, it comes and find me...~
Sigh...~
In the end... went to took ice-cream... even though full...~ still had 6 scoops of ice cream...~ A way of making myself happy... Ice-cream is the way...~ I don't know why...~ but my remedy so far...~
Anyway...~ Hope I can forget that BN is coming up...~ Just let my day passed as usual...~
Was with D and his gang for buffet dinner at Penang Times Square today...~ It was nice but a bit pricey... Have to tighten tummy for a few days to earn about RM60 to have this evening...~ Its kind of funny... Last time I do hear people saying that behind me or in front of me... Whereas I can go and have anything I want anytime before thinking...~ Now... I am just like them...~ Need to plan... Need to think... need to spend wisely and save...~
In a way, my thinking changed I guess...~ Now I can really know how people who can't afford something nice... when save and then get to it... Appreciate it even more...~ Really enjoy the nice and eat to my heart content...~ Make sure I eat a lot and not let every cent that I have paid come to a waste... Just 'hentam' everything... Last time being picky, don't go for oyster, or cockles... Today... to get every penny worth... I tried all those things and realize... Hey... they are not bad...~
Throughout the meal, things were nice... I was so full until I feel like vomiting... The food was filled to my neck...~ till halfway... Received a message from BN...~ Informing me that on 24-28 April he will be coming up...~ Just informing me so that I could take counter measure if I need to avoid him etc...~
Then my whole mood collapse... BN is coming to Penang... Why...? BN has a new lover...? Coming for honeymoon with his lover...? Coming up with colleagues...? Coming up with his housemate...? I don't know... so many questions...~ Me...? Avoid him...? Yeah...~ True... I don't want to travel back to KL... to get back memories of BN and I... I don't want to travel back to KL to bump into him and feel awkward...~ I just want to evade and stay away as far from him... To move on... to erase him off...~ Where I don't think of him for a day...~
But wherever I run...~ Currently it seems that I can't run away from my part... Even I try to avoid... In the end, it comes and find me...~
Sigh...~
In the end... went to took ice-cream... even though full...~ still had 6 scoops of ice cream...~ A way of making myself happy... Ice-cream is the way...~ I don't know why...~ but my remedy so far...~
Anyway...~ Hope I can forget that BN is coming up...~ Just let my day passed as usual...~
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