Why can't I move on...?

Went out with BA for a movie just now... Well, we've been knowing each other for about a month... And it was fun and nice...~ To have a company and sort of like a BFF...~ We started very well and have many things in common...~ Sort of like my mirror image... In a way... an ideal image of a lover...~

Recently, things feel a bit different between BA and me...~ I think i sort of change and feel uncomfortable...~ Recently BA been calling me sweet name like babe... Yesterday during lunch he started to *pat* *pat* my head...~ I just kept quiet but it was awkward...~ This is just so like my ex doing... JC...~ Did he manage to get hold of my previous blog...? But to me...~ I don't want another JC moment...~

In the car just now, BA voice out that he suspected I have another in my life and might have a relationship with someone else...~ I myself think it is funny...~ As I don't think I could have one... I mean... So far among so many guys, BA seemed to be closest to me...~

Until today, there is still something holding me back from relationship...~ What I can type here might seems to be a reason but then... For me... it is the reason why I don't think I can commit myself...~

1. Tired and scared of relationship I guess...~ To be able to understand and accept another person for who they are...
2. I am an OCD person...~ Paranoid... Can't trust people...~ Believe all that I know is right...~
3. Some part of my ex (BN) is still holding me back...~ Not that I like him or want to be back to him...~ But the things he said is quite true... He has been good so far trying to accommodate to me so far... And he did say that if he can't stand me... he guess no one else can stand me...~ "I really cannot be saved already... and he feels sad he couldn't help me"

I don't know why when someone tries to take a step forward moving more into a relationship... I will  step back...~  The more step someone take... The more I will retreat...~ I still think I am not ready...~

I am OCD... no one has seen it yet besides my lover... I am possessive... I feel insecure... I don't trust anyone...~ That is my problem...~ If i fall deep for someone... This traits of mine will appear...~ As long I don't fall in love....~ There is no problem...~ Everyone will be happy...~ No stress...~ So it seems like I am happy being single...~ Trust in LTR...? In eternity...? In plu love...~ I don't know...~

Last time in relationship... I have to worry what my lover is doing... Is he cheating on me...~ Sometimes I am even scare to check them for I am scare of the things I might find out while checking...~ If I close one eye... then my heart won't feel good...~ And I start to be paranoid...~ SO either way for me... it is still a burden to me...~ Always worrying... not trusting...~ I don't know why I can't trust my lovers...  I really wonder is it because of my past experience of my ex...

Could the walls around me come crumbling down? So that I can leave this prison and step into the open air...~