I guess made the wrong choices in life sometimes...~ I guess I shouldn't have come to Penang... I shouldn't have choose Penang if I know all this will happen...
The fraud case... the break up... I looked up at the stars at times when I am out... When I can see the stars...~ I wonder...~ Would all this have made a difference if I had stay in KL...~ Would any of this all turned out different if I would have rejected coming to Penang and stay put in KL...
Unfortunately... the stars wouldn't tell me... It will be a side where I will never know the answer to all this... it is only always...~ "What if..."
Regrets...~ there are regrets in my life...~ no doubt about it...~ But we can't turn back time...~ We only can move on...~ Make the best out of what we have...~ But I don't want to... I can't...~ With BN... it was like one of my happiest time in my whole 11 years of life when I first knew about myself...~ Sort of... I found myself... Someone who I know I will do almost anything for him...~
Also... I am tired of trying to find someone else...~ Life is just tiring...~
Coming to Penang was one of my happiest moment... and also saddest...~ The day before I left...~ I was with BN for one last night...~ I know part of him and me knows that we don't want to part... Part of me... when I looked into his eyes... I can feel his eyes telling me... 'don't go... stay... I need you'... Me...? I wanted to tell him how much I love him and hope that I can be with him... but I was greedy too... This was one of my life time dream to further study... To do something for a better future for me... for us...~ I really have faith and thought we will make it through...~
Every 2 weeks, I tried to make efforts to go back and find BN... to spend time... stayed with BN... of course... we weren't stable...~ We quarreled a lot... stress... life... and loneliness... Me, myself... faith, trust seems to be an issue...~ I was worrying of losing BN... I got paranoid... got scared...~ we quarreled a lot and I even mentioned break off a few times...~ Maybe that got BN insecurity...~ I wonder...~
I supposed Christmas and New year eve was the breaking point..~ We have major quarrel on the phone...~ I am never good...~ Honestly... is like after so many relationship... I didn't become better... I became worse...~ One part stacked up to another past made me paranoid and scared of my next one...~
Many wonder why BN and I broke off...~ Even know when I closed my eyes...~ I still remember it cleary everytime when I hear BN's voice... I remember the whole quarreling incident...
Jan 2014.. I was back for Chinese New Year... Went back CNY a few days earlier to be with BN before BN leave back to his hometown...~ Stayed at BN room...~ One morning... BN was going to work as usual... Woke up with him showering... and I went over BN's handphone...~ Went through BN's messages... and wechat...~ found a guy who was going to add BN but BN had not add yet...~ The guy who wanted to add BN wrote there "I'm from Jackd"... Yeah... that got me paranoid... what had happened...
The night before... I did spoke to BN... informing BN that if he wants to play Jack'd he could but just tell me honestly... Well... he told me he was never going to play it and I should know him much and also about his view on Jackd that guys there are looking for fun...~
But this morning...~ there was a guy who was going to add him...~ BN showered and came in the room... and I started interrogating him...~ Asked how this guy knew him or vice versa... He told me he don't know and he didn't play jacked...~ He told me... wechat has this function... when you 'shake it' then maybe ppl found him... and he told me... a lot ppl commented his look has the 'p' looks... so most probably that guy was within his range and wanted to add him cause he looks 'p' from his pics...~ For me... I feel it is lies and bullshit.. So I told him... "If that guy wanted to add you... he wouldn't just say he is from Jack'd but why he said so...". BN told me he didn't know and say that guys is just some random guy.
Then I told BN to tell me with his own words... That he isn't playing Jack'd and he isn't lying...~ BN swore to me...~ BN wasn't playing... and BN wasn't lying... he don't know that guy...~ Then BN say it is up to me if I trust him or not...~ I told BN... I trust him...~ And things were okay...~
2 days later... BN has to leave for his hometown... I sent BN to meet his mom...~ and they left...~ Felt sad I couldn't join because it was CNY soon and we both have to visit our own relatives during CNY but we both planned to meet up so I can go join BN to meet his side of relatives...~ However... I was still paranoid over the Jackd issue... So I opened an account on Jack'd and then I found that guy's profile...` I chatted with that guy...
And I got to know the truth... And it hurts...~ It really really hurts
Seems that BN and that guy knew about a month plus ago...~ BN was indeed playing jackd...~ Then I searched for BN's jackd and found it...~ When I am around... BN deleted jackd... when I am off... BN downloaded back Jackd... that was what BN has been doing... how long... I have no idea...~ I called BN to spill my findings...~ And what happened was a turnover of events...~
I blamed BN for lying to me... swearing to me... breaking my trust... and BN blamed me for not trusting him...~ BN fire back at me... If I trust BN... why did I go check BN... if I say trust and still check on BN... isn't it I am lying to him too...~ I am being ironic...~ Why I say I trust him at first... if I don't... don't say it... I lied to BN too...~ So I was being fired back...~
In my mind... If I don't trust means I won't check... If I won't check means BN will be able to go on with his Jackd...~ And I will be living in lies...~ But I am at fault now...? What is this turning table all about... From BN lying becomes about me not trusting about BN... Seriously... I found it funny... I was seriously angry at that point of time...~ Am I suddenly the bad guy...~ Of course for BN to be playing Jackd is due to a few months back issue until this day...~ But that is not the point... The point... is about lying and breaching my trust to BN...~ That is from my side.... From BN side...~ If I trusted BN and say so... why must I check on BN...~
To me... is more of BN being caught and feeling guilty but just want to divert it to lessen the damage... But to me... it just got worse...~ Blaming me...? I don't think that was a good move.
I felt betrayed... felt hurt... I do tell myself this all the time... When I do suspect usually what I suspect is right... but... to find out what I suspect is true... It hurts...~ All the time I hope that what I suspect isn't true and then I will felt relief... But this wasn't the case...~ I didn't want to believe it was true... I really don't... But it was and I have to face it...~ As much I pray... crossed my fingers... that BN wouldn't do it... BN did... and I was really really shocked...~
The only thing I know at that time was... We couldn't go on anymore...~ It has to stop...~ I wouldn't go into details about what I found in BN jackd when BN trying to prove he didn't do anything inside besides chatting...~ But from what BN sounded... never plan or even said he will cease BN's jackd activity... Even the day after the quarrel... BN doesn't has or shown any remorse and still playing his Jackd... even put picture after me finding out...~ So I knew this has to end...~ BN felt he wasn't wrong... I felt he was wrong...~ And there is nothing both of us can do about it...~ I was angry and disappointed... This guy...~ one of the worse and terrible one I ever known...~ All this before about him... full of lies... many things about his goodness were made up just to get me to fall for him... Half true half not true... scared that he was not good enough for me... some of his portfolio or profile was smudged...~
Well...~ All goes into the drain...~ Some did asked if BN has cheated on me with other guys... well... I don't know... BN did say he didn't but... can I trust BN... is another issue of my own...~ I can honestly say70% I trust BN didn't... but 30% feeling that BN might have too...~ It is hard to say... But I felt BN didn't... And this is the problem...~
As much BN cheated me... I can mention break... but part of me didn't want to cause what BN did wasn't serious... I still believe no other guys was involved... So part to me wanted to forgive but then I am terrified...~ Even after incident BN didn't show remorse... Don't feel BN was wrong...~ Didn't realize what BN was doing after all...~ The amount of lies... BN has built on... I am scared... this round I manage to find out BN lying... next time I don't know anymore when will BN do this to me... Its been only 1.5 years and BN can lie to me something like this... if we have 15 years... I will be going though this 10 times... And honestly... I can't go through this over and over again...~ I am scared and terrified of being hurt...~
BN said a few things...
1. When he did all this... he never really thought of how I will feel if I find out... Cause to him... he thought I will never find out...~
2. So far... he felt only he can tolerate me... for being myself and no one else can stand me... So if he can't stand me... It means no one else can... So... good luck to me in finding another one...~
3. I can't be saved anymore... I am one screwed up guy... Ever wondered why I am good... but then...~ I have so many ex...~ I am damaged...~
Until this day... I remember this 3 sentences...~ and yes... I admit... I am damaged from my past... and I am really not a good guy... No one can stand me...~ and I know... That is why... I never think of getting another one if possible...~ Just too scared to find one more and get hurt again...~ I am tired too...~ and I feel I have suffered enough...~
Till this day... 6 months has passed from the time we broke off before CNY...~ It took me time to put BN down...~ Part of me still like BN... because BN is special to me... in certain ways...~ But part of me felt we couldn't be together because I felt BN was kind of like a monster...~ So I am practically torn apart... As much I still want to be with BN... I felt it wouldn't work out...~ So... I have to put my heart down... Try to erase the presence of BN around me...~ Trying to get through my life with no BN...
It is hard to find someone else too when you know that person is still in your heart...~ BN is still in mine... and whatever things I do... I feel guilt in it...~ It is like I am cheating on BN...~ so I couldn't...~ As much I felt I let go... I still ain't letting go...~ Am I waiting...? I don't know... But for now... after 6 months I can go on by saying I am not waiting... a few months ago... in my heart... it would still be... I am waiting...~ for BN to feel sorry and come back...~
For now...~ times passed...~ I wondered if I had grown stronger...~
No comments:
Post a Comment